My heart sings

I recently watched an amazing TED video of Steve Jobs. An incredible man.

I was really struck by what he says about using intuition, following your dreams and "joining up the dots". Essentially he was saying that if you trust your inner guidance and follow your heart, even if it seems like the "wrong" thing (to other people perhaps...) at the time, you will reap the rewards in the future. Only in the future will you be able to see that an action was entirely "right" and how that has contributed to your present. In Jobs' case, dropping out of college gave him the time and space to become fascinated with calligraphy, which subsequently influenced his whole approach to design and the typography that was used to develop the Mac, and every computer thereafter. He didn't know at the time how calligraphy would affect everything later on....but with hindsight he could join the dots, reinforcing his sense that he knew what he was doing all along.

I really need to work on the part of me that is full of regrets for not following my heart when I was younger. I think my inner guidance has always been pretty hot, but I've definitely failed when it comes to having the courage and strength to act by it. It would be interesting (for me) to try and think of some concrete examples of this, but I'm not going to bore you with this. Hehe.

It's difficult not to feel a sense of disappointment that I've wasted a lot of time over the years. I keep having these pangs of anger with myself that I am not accomplished in the ways I'd like to be because I didn't do what I really wanted to, and that (aside from Mothering) I haven't found my life's purpose. I was so afraid, bothered about what other people would think, the names I might be called, of "failure". It's so silly, what is failure anyway? I've failed more by not doing than I would have by doing. That's one thing that I see when I join my dots....

Since we moved I've been trying to slow right down and focus on my purpose. I have lots of interests and half developed hobbies, and in the past my energy has felt scattered, that's really bothered me. I've been consciously trying to find something that lights a real flame of passion and creativity in me, taking Wild Oat flower essence seems to be helping me to pin myself down a bit.

I've talked in the past about my love of swimming and yoga, and yet these things are more about finding  peace, space and vital sustenance than about the surges of passion, purpose and creativity I've been desiring.

I was very pragmatic: I wrote a massive list of all the things I wanted to do/learn and then worked out which were my priorities, what I could do without help and what I needed to join a class or group for. And then I started singing again, with a bunch of fantastic women who are very very funny, super creative and extremely talented. Joining a singing group is making me realise and appreciate my talents. It's really helping me to move past this sense of regret that I haven't been singing and playing music all along. I still really wish I was Laura Marling, but maybe there's still time.... and even if I'm not Laura Marling, at least I'll be living life with more depth, purpose and joy.

Anglesey

Last weekend we were invited to go camping in Anglesey with some lovely folks, so we went. It sounds so simple but it took a whole 2 weeks of deliberation for us to decide to pack the car and go. We ended up making a snap decision, frantically packing up and driving into the evening on Friday. We pitched the tent with seconds to go before the light disappeared completely!

I'm so glad we went. It was such a beautiful place and we were extremely lucky to have a gloriously sunny day at the beach.

It was Esme's 5th Birthday, which felt almost as momentous as us hot-footing it out of the city. How can it be 5 years since she was born?! Esme was delighted to be around friends and running wild and free. Five is suiting her so far. My beautiful, thoughtful, happy little girl. I love her so much.

Magnus is asking to go camping again and keeps saying "beach...again....soon"

Even Bruce did lots he things he wouldn't normally....

....well, almost! He did sit in a different place!

We found loads of dead crabs, saw jellyfish in the sea and were all delighted when one of the Dads found this dogfish egg, you could see the baby fish's heart pulsing inside and it was moving about.

We shared food, the children, washing up, stories, thoughts, hopes, fears and even thermal underwear....hehe!
We had such a good time with wonderful people, it was so relaxing.

I feel a real shift for our family, a burgeoning sense of adventure and a new willingness to explore and grow together outside our comfort zones.

This is a good example I suppose...I'm putting pictures on my blog at last!... though I can't take any credit for these. They're all courtesy of Joel for now (thanks love). I'll need to work on expanding my comfort zone with photography ;)

Reunion

I went to my first ashtanga yoga class in a long time just over a week ago. It was like meeting an old friend and finding they haven't changed a bit, like we'd never been apart.

I was shocked by the "muscle memory", at how the fabric of my body could remember the postures, dynamic movements and the sensations of breathing and relaxation. I concentrated intensely on just breathing for over an hour for the first time in several years. This practice is often referred to as a form of moving meditation: during the class something inside me shifted, and by the end of the relaxation I was weeping. It was profound but also quite amusing. I really couldn't stop crying (and shaking...) for quite some time! I half-sobbed half-laughed to the teacher "thanks... that was really fantastic.... honestly..." ;-) 

Yoga has seen me through some tough times in the past. It saved me from sinking deep into a pit of depression when I first started practising and for quite a few years I was pretty devoted to it. Bearing in mind that I don't have a great track record with commitment to anything, this was a BIG deal for me. My mat has travelled to the other side of the world with me on several occasions and is pretty well used....Yet since having the children I've not quite found the time to take a class or made space in my life to practice regularly at home. That first class was  like when you suddenly realise you are desperately thirsty, and taking a sip of water. It was quite painful to realise how deprived I have been without this nurturing and revitalising practice.

I'm not naturally supple and my aerobic fitness is also pretty poor right now so I was anxious about returning to this demanding physical activity. But actually I'm getting my strength and flexibility back quickly, and my mind got right back into turning itself off and enjoying a lack of mental chatter. I'm also pleasantly surprised how determined I now feel to make this part of my everyday life. I really need it.  It's funny how having so much less time to indulge in yoga is making me create chances to do it more, and with more focus. I strongly feel that my children need to see me take care of myself, and I really want them to have the expectation that their adult lives will include a certain amount of self-care, a regular habit or practice of something whether it's yoga, tai chi, running, music, chess, painting or tiddlywinks!....and an inner focus and connection with themselves. Spirituality.

I can see that I've been putting up a lot of mental blocks where yoga practice is concerned and I'm so glad I've started pulling the barriers down. No more excuses. Now, how long do they say it takes something to become a habit?!

This is David Swenson, an amazing, inspirational yogi. I'd say his habit is pretty well entrenched....

Namaste

The body remembers

I've been wanting to resume writing here for days, but stalling on what to write, even though I have a list of posts to add that's getting very long indeed.

Anyway, today I'm blogging about swimming.

When I was little I wasn't allowed to swim underwater for what felt like a long time, because I had grommets fitted to try and cure the chronic glue ear that meant I suffered dreadfully, repeatedly with perforated eardrums. When I could finally go swimming without earplugs and worrying about being ducked, I made up for lost time, learnt fast and spent many happy hours floating around our local pool.

I remember my Nana taking us to the baths as kids, and I'd catch her looking frantically, anxiously around for me. It must've been like watching a Grebe diving down and popping up in random places- I was swimming underwater, lost to the world. I can empathise with poor bewildered Nana now, with my experience of taking two children swimming: she was terrified because she needed to keep us safe. Then, I laughed at her concern. I was fine. More than fine because I was, quite literally, in my element.

Fast forward a few years and I swam at least 3 or 4 times every week, sometimes more. I helped in the water with the little ones just starting to learn to swim. I got all my badges, trained with the swimming club, raced in Galas, won trophies. I also went swimming just to fart about and dive for my locker key and jump in, do somersaults and float. Looking back, I loved it. But for some reason when I hit my teens, I stopped. Just like that. And it has taken until now for me to get back to it, to remember just how much I love it and how happy it makes me to be in the water.

Each time I swim I feel different. Some days it's like I'm dragging a concrete block through a pool full of porridge. Other days, like today, it's simple-  I AM a porpoise! It's such a buzz to be able to do just a tiny bit more each time. My body remembers how good it feels in every cell of my being.

Swimming has become a form of yoga for me: I'm in the moment, focused on my breathing, mindful of the sensations throughout my body as I attempt to fine tune every dynamic movement my body makes. My body and mind is unified. It is a wonderful release. I'd forgotten about it, and rediscovering my passion is something I am feeling intensely excited about, and grateful for right now.