Ease

It's almost a given in attachment parenting that some or all of the parent's needs will be unmet. Be it sleep or lack of personal space, there's usually something parents would really like that they forfeit to care for small children, for a time at least.

For a long time now one of my greatest unmet needs has been ease. Granted, it seems a lot to expect ease in my life with the choices we made about moving to a building site and having a third child: small children and project houses are hardly renowned for being easy, stress free ventures! However, I really like to think that it is possible for us to have our needs met whatever the circumstances, even if it's not always, ummmm....easy :-)

If my situation precludes fundamental needs being met, perhaps I must reconsider whether meeting this need is truly a priority. Perhaps if I'm honest, those needs can wait a few years, or slide down/fall off my list altogether. Or maybe some (big) changes need to happen.

As much as I have wanted to believe I don't deserve ease at the moment, because of the circumstances of my life, I keep coming back to a place where I feel I must shift things, both practically and emotionally, to achieve a more peaceful inner state and a sense of ease of being.

Some ways I am trying to make life easier practically....

• Beginning (see my last post!) 
• De-cluttering I used this 40 day declutter guide, I'm still working to clear out the stuff we don't need. 
• Being organised with food -meal planning, making easy/quick meals, prepared ahead of time wherever possible.... doubling/trebling up on cooking so I can prepare lunch/dinner and something for the freezer at the same time.
• relaxation of my standards- seeing past mess, making easier meals, washing clothes (and dare I say it...myself) less frequently. Acceptance of the fact the housework will always be there for me!
• little and often- washing, tidying, etc. Sometimes this is the best way but sometimes i need to...
• Blitz big jobs...tick them off once and for all! 
• keep a shopping list in my notebook, write down items as soon as I realise I need something, make lists from my meal plans...
• Bulk buy when I do go shopping, especially at the Wholefood Grocery store.
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Emotionally, finding ease is much harder, but when i pare the situations I find most difficult to live with back, ease seems to constitute a few different things for me: acceptance, realism, clear boundaries, honesty, freedom. Funny how these little words embody so much internal struggle! It's been feeling like ease has been something to strive for, but I realise I have to find it here and now in each moment to really live with ease. Life is always imperfect, but I can always make the choice to live simply.

My heart sings

I recently watched an amazing TED video of Steve Jobs. An incredible man.

I was really struck by what he says about using intuition, following your dreams and "joining up the dots". Essentially he was saying that if you trust your inner guidance and follow your heart, even if it seems like the "wrong" thing (to other people perhaps...) at the time, you will reap the rewards in the future. Only in the future will you be able to see that an action was entirely "right" and how that has contributed to your present. In Jobs' case, dropping out of college gave him the time and space to become fascinated with calligraphy, which subsequently influenced his whole approach to design and the typography that was used to develop the Mac, and every computer thereafter. He didn't know at the time how calligraphy would affect everything later on....but with hindsight he could join the dots, reinforcing his sense that he knew what he was doing all along.

I really need to work on the part of me that is full of regrets for not following my heart when I was younger. I think my inner guidance has always been pretty hot, but I've definitely failed when it comes to having the courage and strength to act by it. It would be interesting (for me) to try and think of some concrete examples of this, but I'm not going to bore you with this. Hehe.

It's difficult not to feel a sense of disappointment that I've wasted a lot of time over the years. I keep having these pangs of anger with myself that I am not accomplished in the ways I'd like to be because I didn't do what I really wanted to, and that (aside from Mothering) I haven't found my life's purpose. I was so afraid, bothered about what other people would think, the names I might be called, of "failure". It's so silly, what is failure anyway? I've failed more by not doing than I would have by doing. That's one thing that I see when I join my dots....

Since we moved I've been trying to slow right down and focus on my purpose. I have lots of interests and half developed hobbies, and in the past my energy has felt scattered, that's really bothered me. I've been consciously trying to find something that lights a real flame of passion and creativity in me, taking Wild Oat flower essence seems to be helping me to pin myself down a bit.

I've talked in the past about my love of swimming and yoga, and yet these things are more about finding  peace, space and vital sustenance than about the surges of passion, purpose and creativity I've been desiring.

I was very pragmatic: I wrote a massive list of all the things I wanted to do/learn and then worked out which were my priorities, what I could do without help and what I needed to join a class or group for. And then I started singing again, with a bunch of fantastic women who are very very funny, super creative and extremely talented. Joining a singing group is making me realise and appreciate my talents. It's really helping me to move past this sense of regret that I haven't been singing and playing music all along. I still really wish I was Laura Marling, but maybe there's still time.... and even if I'm not Laura Marling, at least I'll be living life with more depth, purpose and joy.

A moving experience (Part 1)

It's all happening!... We're set to move house at the end of the month. Our home is half packed up and in a slight state of disarray.  I'm a real home bird and love being snug and cosy, I'm trying to get used to the idea of home not being quite how I want it for a while.

I always wondered why  people talk about moving as being high up "the list" of stressful events, I've moved house at least 6 times in the last 15 years or so since I flew the nest and it's always been fine. I suppose you have to be settled to be uprooted, and perhaps I've never really been that settled before. This is the first time I've moved from a home we've owned, and the first time we've moved since having children. I'm beginning to realise why it's stressful now though, which is not to say I'm feeling stressed (well, not consciously at least).

It's not really the practical issues of packing, moving, unpacking that are taxing, though I'm not denying the effort required in this. It's the intensity of emotions that get thrown up that are harder to cope with. It would be easy to begin to be overwhelmed and not really know how to deal with that. Some examples:

Editing possessions and sorting the past. I'm finding going through Esme's artwork particularly harrowing: I can't believe the children are growing up so fast. The feelings of grief and mourning I've had have surprised me in some respects as I'm also so happy to see them growing up.

The sense of somehow, gently, disconnecting from where you are, without losing precious friends and appreciation of the place that has been home. And hoping, hoping, hoping that the new connections you wish to create will be created, and be fruitful, fulfilling, fun!

It's also challenging to family relationships, bringing up potential conflicts with many important issues: money, equality and justice, co-operation, support, respect. A minefield when your resources are already depleted by all of the above!

I can't get my head into the people who seem to change their homes motivated by "investment" or just because they fancy a change. I don't want to do this again too soon, even though (fingers and toes and everything else crossed) it's seeming fairly smooth for us right now...

I'm more than a little nervous about making a new life somewhere quite different, even though that place is "home" for me. Bonkers. I'm also quite confident this is the right thing for us to do. It feels momentous, but I also have a sense I'll look back in a few years and wonder what I was making a big deal about!

Our family is ready for the space it needs to grow and reach it's fullest potential.

Begin with the end in mind

I thought this was the first of Steven Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" but when I just checked it, the first is "Be proactive". I guess I must be being proactive already to be thinking about beginning with the end in mind!

Anyway, what I was going to say is that I am astounded how much easier it is to achieve something when you decide in advance what it is that you are going to do. Some recent examples of  a few "new and improved " thought processes:

Eating- I want to exorcise my food demons, stop comfort eating and have an easy relationship with food
Before- eat until I decided I was full (never) at mealtimes, picking between meals, bingeing uncontrollably at any type of buffet meal or snack
Now-   decide how much I am eating in advance and then stop! Review. Eat a bit more if I want to (I hardly ever do)

Yoga practice- I want to establish a regular daily yoga practice
Before- sporadic! 1hr class Saturday, maybe practice 1 hr Monday, nothing til next week, then do a class, 20 mins Wednesday, maybe the same on Thursday, sometimes no practice from one week to the next....
Now- any yoga is better than none, mat comes out when the kids go to bed and I aim to do a 45 min asana practice and take 10 min rest, daily. But I can be flexible about this, some days a little will be better than a lot.

Keeping my cool- I don't like raising my voice in anger
Before- bottle it in, grind my teeth, explode periodically
Now- self empathy, observations, feelings, needs, requests. Still explode periodically. This one is hard!
Hehehe.

I've found a subtle change in the specifics of my vision have a big impact on what I do. If I'm fuzzy it doesn't work. "I'll practice yoga for an hour" is much harder to stick to than " I'll do 5 Sun salutation A, 5 B, A series of 6 specific standing postures and 3 seated postures finishing at Marichyasana C, and then close" works much better. For me it's no good trying to run 'til I'm tired, or eating 'til I'm full because I'm too likely to stop at the "wrong" point! It's heartening that I can't be the only one this happens to, otherwise it wouldn't be on Steven Covey's list to do something different ;)

Change

I've not written anything here for ages. I think I know why (apart from time being in short supply).

When I started writing less about EC, I hoped my blog would be filled with tales of our wonderful home learning activities, a diary of what we get up to together with a feast of photos and recipes and lots of other inspiring stuff: art, craft, sewing, poetry, music. Perhaps the odd bit of self discovery. But my musings have been very inner-self oriented lately, and I've been feeling slightly anxious that I might be hogging the limelight. 

Of course, our family is doing all the cool things I hoped to document. We're learning together, having fun and eating lots of nice food and all that, struggling along sometimes but mostly all is as I would wish. I've been finding that I just don't feel that inspired to write about our day after I've spent all day "doing" it.

The things I do feel the need to write about right now are much more personal. Since I got back on my yoga mat this year I'm really feeling like a very different person. And actually, writing about the changes in my inner world seems far more useful and important to me. I feel a bit vulnerable and naked to think that people might actually read what I write. But that's also a motivational aspect of having a blog, I probably wouldn't just write in a notebook in the same way I do here. I think the benefit of reflecting on my journey and the soul work of artistic creation through writing is worth the risk of publicly exposing myself. 

I'm going to stop feeling apologetic about documenting my navel gazing. I have to remind myself that you can choose not to read if I'm irritating, boring, self-absorbed.... Can you tell I'm still struggling with the pain of some past experiences here?! I am also going stop comparing myself and my blog to all the other talented bloggers and beautiful blogs out there.

I'm just going to carry on doing my best to be a better person and write about it from time to time. 

And perhaps if I let go of my attachment to creating a beautiful diary, I might share some recipes and a few choice pics here and there too ;)

Feeling clear

It's a good feeling, knowing how you feel. I'm enjoying getting really clear about a few things. Admittedly, a few rather BIG things. None of these feelings are new to me, in fact some are really old. There's no shock revelations happening here, but something's shifted in my clarity on these issues and the strength of my resolve to find and follow my path.

Home I am ready to go home to the hills.

Trust  It will all work out ok. We'll end up where we're meant to be.

Weight
Lose- I'm tall. I carry it pretty well. Ah I'm ok..it doesn't matter...
Gain- I am really happy with me but I don't like carrying this little bit of extra person about. It's not that much but it's going. Forever.

Fitness I want to be strong and healthy. I want to learn to run. I want to chase the children until they're tired.

Spirituality There is space in my life for devotion but not for dogma. Find that space.

Money Look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves. An oldie but a goody!

Abundance There is enough. There will always be enough.

Generosity Trust in abundance, give. Be generous to myself, take when I need to.

Of course, knowing these things is SO easy.... moving towards living this all the time is harder, but I'm refusing to sabotage my happiness as I have so many times in the past. It really doesn't matter if I mess up, I need to just keep on keeping on.

Limbo

The "For Sale" board at the front of our house went up about a month ago. We've spent at least 6 months trying to get ready (ie not full of junk and filthy) to put it on the market, and for a good year or two before that we've been talking about leaving the City. But attaching the board to the front wall was still a really scary thing to do: announcing to our neighbourhood that we're hoping to move away, inviting complete strangers to come and scrutinise our home.

It felt, at first, like a test to be passed: trying to make our home measure up to what someone might want to buy. And then I kinda gave up on that and decided that whoever views it will either like it or not. I've put so much effort and energy into getting the house ready to try and sell it. It feels nicer to be here now because I'm keeping it really clean and tidy and a lot of stuff's in storage.

Since we had a big de-clutter at Easter it's stayed just as it is, bar the recent removal of my Sheila na gig from the hearth (potentially offensive says Joel...hehhe). We realised our first viewers were sat right opposite them... it would be fairly hard to ignore her and her rather excited male counterpart, I bet they had a giggle afterwards! Anyway, whoever comes gets to see the intimate details of our family life, and a chunk of my soul in physical form, I think. That still feels like a pretty big deal....though it's getting easier.

We love our home, and if it came to our "worst case scenario" of not being able to sell it, we'd be happy to stay here. It's not a bad worst case ;) We have a nice house, good friends, great proximity to tons of cool things to do with other home edders, lots of funky folks in the neighbourhood, a cool pub, a new Deli (finally)...the list goes on and on.

BUT something inside me has shifted. The doubts and anxieties I have about a going to a new area are bothering me much less. Joel too, I think. We've found a house we really like and the more we visit the better it feels, so now it's just a waiting game. Of course we have to carry on as normal and enjoy our lives here, despite the knowledge that there's somewhere else calling us. I'm trying not to be impatient, well aware it could take a long time to sell, but keen to get on with building our future.

It's not really a problem living in limbo, in fact, it feels good having more clarity about where we want to be. Hopefully that energy will move things along for us soon.

Dynamic

Isn't that a great word?

Dynamic yoga: I'm still feeling pretty obsessed with yoga practice, and I'm doing ok with just fitting it in wherever I can....it must nearly be a habit now?! I knew I'd changed a lot but how I'm approaching yoga is showing me just how much my perspective and personality has expanded, how different I am. There's no struggle, I'm just really really happy to be enjoying it which makes it easier to practice and then I enjoy it and the positive circle goes on, or so I hope :)

Dynamic life: okay so life is always dynamic, ever-changing. But it feels like there's a lot of stuff in my life shifting at the moment. Constant physical activity, emotional change, progression, new ideas, lots of variations in intensity with all of the above. It's exciting....

My new aspiration is to start uploading my photos more regularly and actually blog about the things my family is doing.... lest I seem like I'm just (podgy) navel gazing all day!

I'm missing you Sue-Ann, hope all is well as can be, thinking of you down under and sending lots of love XXX

Reunion

I went to my first ashtanga yoga class in a long time just over a week ago. It was like meeting an old friend and finding they haven't changed a bit, like we'd never been apart.

I was shocked by the "muscle memory", at how the fabric of my body could remember the postures, dynamic movements and the sensations of breathing and relaxation. I concentrated intensely on just breathing for over an hour for the first time in several years. This practice is often referred to as a form of moving meditation: during the class something inside me shifted, and by the end of the relaxation I was weeping. It was profound but also quite amusing. I really couldn't stop crying (and shaking...) for quite some time! I half-sobbed half-laughed to the teacher "thanks... that was really fantastic.... honestly..." ;-) 

Yoga has seen me through some tough times in the past. It saved me from sinking deep into a pit of depression when I first started practising and for quite a few years I was pretty devoted to it. Bearing in mind that I don't have a great track record with commitment to anything, this was a BIG deal for me. My mat has travelled to the other side of the world with me on several occasions and is pretty well used....Yet since having the children I've not quite found the time to take a class or made space in my life to practice regularly at home. That first class was  like when you suddenly realise you are desperately thirsty, and taking a sip of water. It was quite painful to realise how deprived I have been without this nurturing and revitalising practice.

I'm not naturally supple and my aerobic fitness is also pretty poor right now so I was anxious about returning to this demanding physical activity. But actually I'm getting my strength and flexibility back quickly, and my mind got right back into turning itself off and enjoying a lack of mental chatter. I'm also pleasantly surprised how determined I now feel to make this part of my everyday life. I really need it.  It's funny how having so much less time to indulge in yoga is making me create chances to do it more, and with more focus. I strongly feel that my children need to see me take care of myself, and I really want them to have the expectation that their adult lives will include a certain amount of self-care, a regular habit or practice of something whether it's yoga, tai chi, running, music, chess, painting or tiddlywinks!....and an inner focus and connection with themselves. Spirituality.

I can see that I've been putting up a lot of mental blocks where yoga practice is concerned and I'm so glad I've started pulling the barriers down. No more excuses. Now, how long do they say it takes something to become a habit?!

This is David Swenson, an amazing, inspirational yogi. I'd say his habit is pretty well entrenched....

Namaste

Weight

weight [weɪt]

n

1. a measure of the amount anything weighs

I'm not sure how I've done it but I'm as heavy as I was when I was just about to have M. I lost almost all the extra after he arrived, but somehow I've put it all back on again through mindless picking at food I don't really need, excessive consumption of delicious home-baked goodies and out of control portion sizes (of healthy wholefoods, but still...). 

I also do next to no exercise other than running about after the children all day every day. This sounds like so many of the slimming stories I've read over the years. At least I seem to have plateaued, for now.... ;(

I carry it well, but this is a mixed blessing really as it's tempting to think "aw stop beating yourself up, you don't look too bad". But I feel wobbly and unfit, and I have a wardrobe full of clothes I can't get into so I have to fathom a way of slimming down a bit without dieting. I can't stand dieting and it doesn't work so I just need to be mindful of what goes in and expend some more energy. Not sure where that energy is going to come from yet....

2. an oppressive force the weight of cares

I'm really feeling my responsibilities. I know everybody has it hard, and we all have to do what we have to do to keep going and stay happy and healthy with it. But isn't it hard? Esme went off with a friend for a few hours last Friday, and Joel came home early so I cooked dinner without minding two children at the same time. It was so relaxing and easy just to do it with focussed attention on the task at hand. I realised how much stress I have all day every day just by virtue of being in the company of two children all the time. I am also making silly mistakes and being very forgetful because I am constantly doing 50 million things at once. I love being with the kids so much but I am so, so tired and finding it really hard to get back to feeling groovy. I think this has a lot to do with my comfort eating.

3. importance - the quality of being important and worthy of note

All this matters a lot to me.

I think I know what I have to do, I just have to do it! 

Kindness

I think I've said this before, but it's pertinent so I'll say it again! When I was a Mother of one I thought, probably quite rightly, that I was doing a really good job. It was only when Magnus was born, and my physical and emotional resources became more compromised, that I began to realise quite how much energy and creativity I had been putting into parenting Esme. She is wonderfully spirited, intense, interesting. And very hard work! Things were level and balanced back then because I was putting such a lot into maintaining that equilibrium.

I never thought I had unending reserves of patience and I've been proving myself right about that recently. It's nearly two years since Magnus arrived, and balance still hasn't been restored in my relationship with my first born. It seems I just can't do enough to make this situation right for Esme. I've been feeling immense pressure to try and find more more more to give her, wondering if anything will EVER be enough to sort this out. Lately I've been feeling doubtful and unbelievably negative about my capacity to mother my children, and it's a horrible feeling. If I can't muster what is needed to make everything good then who can?...and who else would want to?

It's not helpful for me to get caught up in what Esme's doing, because judging her and myself makes it feel even worse. I'm trying to look beyond the behaviour, but the only concrete reason I can find for her being unsettled and angry is that she would just rather not have a little brother to share her Mama with. What can I do about that?!

My fridge is covered in laminated NVC lists, and when I think of my struggle with mothering Esme, and then look down the list of needs through her eyes it brings tears to my eyes. She aches to be with me, longs for affection, deep connection, to be nurtured. It's helpful to realise that I must keep making the effort to validate her feelings and find more ways to help satisfy her needs.

I have, so far, resisted "traditional" approaches to discipline. I'm sure quite a few people would say my alternative has been somewhat lacking in substance, but pooh to them. I don't want to push a vulnerable, highly sensitive little girl who is feeling sad, and perhaps even unloved, further away from me.

It's been so frustrating and exhausting, pouring all my energy into this seemingly bottomless pit. But the last week or so I think I may see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. After churning this over and over many times (with lots of different friends- thank you all!) I think I may have figured out that....

I am, actually, doing about as much as I can! TAH-DAAAAAAAAAAH! Good eh?!

I reckon the only thing I can really do differently is be kinder to myself. We have some issues to settle with the boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour, and how to communicate this with Esme-that's another post. But perhaps in being kinder to myself in every moment, especially the heated ones, I am finding more strength, energy and resourcefulness to deal with the challenges my dear daughter presents me. And perhaps that's why I feel a little better about all this.

If I can parent with more kindness and generosity of spirit (which, if I'm honest, has probably been lacking) then surely I can draw her back towards me, and the dust may finally begin to settle.

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. 
Dalai Lama

Scarcity/Abundance

This past week has been both terrifying and enriching.

We've always been pretty dreadful managing money, but I've really pulled my socks up over the summer and we're now super organised. In theory. However, this month has been a disaster beyond my imagination!...worse than when we tended towards gambling each month, wondering if we'd have enough.

Anyhow, miraculously, we seem to have managed to get by this last week with about £10 for food. I've been using stuff in the freezer and more store cupboard staples than I knew I had, but we've also not been short of fresh food. I find it quite remarkable that we haven't really gone short, in fact, we've eaten really well and it's not felt like we were scrimping and saving at all.

Obviously it's not sustainable! We are now really low on stocks of everything and it was only due to my stockpiling of washing powder and other expensive items that we managed in that respect. But it is heartening to realise that we can probably manage with less than we're used to, as yet another round of belt tightening needs to happen now.....

In sharp contrast to the scarcity of hard cash, we have been overwhelmed with generosity and an abundance of love from a really beautiful friend with a desire to share and give to us in a time when we needed support. This week could have been really stressful and unpleasant for us, but we were blessed with more than money could ever buy and it's really helped keep things in perspective. Thanks so much for everything Sue-Ann, I'm so grateful for your friendship. xx

We went to Jodrell Bank today, (just) to the arboretum. There's so much to see there. It was a repeat trip for us, we visited in the Summer and vowed to go every season to see the changes.

The autumn leaves were magnificent, and there was some interesting fungi about. The girls had a fabulous time climbing trees and pretending to be birds, with ferns for wings, and later, tails.

We had a picnic in the bird hide and just enjoyed being outdoors, it was incredibly mild.

Nature also gave us a treat today, an abundance of pears. We literally stumbled on them...all over the floor. They looked hard and not that appetising but the first bite gave a surprise- they were so soft, sweet and delicious with a fantastic texture. We brought a bagful home, very happy ;)

The times they are a'changin'....

Busy busy busy here: we've started our first forays into home education. Most of Esme's friends disappeared off to school at the start of September so we have been out and about getting into a new autonomous learning groove. I'm sometimes slightly resistant to change, but this transition is bringing a lot of excitement, fun and growth for us all. It's cool, as well as being unnerving and a bit scary for me at times.... The kids are loving it!

We had always considered home education as an option but it's still far from a mainstream choice here and it's tricky to go against the flow with something as "big" as education. Everyone seems to have an opinion about it, and their views are stronger when it concerns alternatives to conventional schooling. For most folks it seems to be a step too far along the continuum of "weird". Far "worse" than a baby peeing and pooing in a pot...hehe ;)

As the time for Esme to go to school was looming closer the (very good) Community Primary School here was looking fairly attractive, an easy option if I'm honest. Despite being less than half a mile from all the schools we applied to there were no places locally, all schools are oversubscribed and have massive waiting lists. A gross failure on the part of our Local Education Authority. The school we were eventually offered was a 2 hour round trip walking from our home, and it was only an OK school. Plus it was still a school, which was always something questionable in our minds. So our hand was forced really. I'm pleased it's worked out this way for now, I'm not sure we would've had the balls to try home education if a "decent" school place had been offered.

".....And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

It's feeling like all this is a definite move away from the baby stage of my children's lives. They really aren't babies any more. This new phase is making us branch out into a new community and become part of other groups away from our established "tribe"....who we found through La Leche League. Our snuggly, cosy babywearing days are feeling distant, toddler-lugging is a more accurate description of me carrying Magnus now. Breastfeeding in public can be hair raising as my shirt gets lifted and my little gymnast writhes at the nipple. ECing seems to have become potty trained. Just like that.

We are still ECing but it's so normal, so much part of life, and so similar now to completely potty trained that I can't really think of things to write about it now without it seeming slightly absurd.

I am so pleased to be meeting people who are aware of and interested in EC, and new ECers with tiny babies. It really does seem to be a growing trend. I feel so privileged to be able to talk about my experiences with people who get what it's all about. I love spreading the word generally, but there's something super satisfying about being really understood and being a guide.

So, a while back I said I was thinking about blogging on a more general theme, and I think the time has come for this to happen. Watch this space!......