Thoughts on yoga

My wonderful yoga teacher Kirstin recently asked me for my thoughts on my yoga practice as a testimonial to try and entice potential new students. I wrote instinctively and fairly quickly for her to edit as required- I know my tendency to waffle!.... I'm quite pleased with what came out, so I thought I'd share it. I haven't navel gazed here for a little while ;-)

My yoga practice keeps me sane: it's my best friend and my teacher, a very reliable source of inner strength and energy. It doesn't matter what's happening in my life when I get on my mat and start breathing, everything else just melts away. It's so nourishing and enriching to my body and my soul, I don't know how I lived without it now. 

Recently I've been feeling quite intoxicated by my practice. It's challenging in so many different ways and I constantly surprise myself with what I am doing. I love to surrender my expectations and test the boundaries of my physical and my mental stamina. My body is opening up, lighter and leaner than I thought possible. I find it much easier to stay calm and centred. I know that yoga has been the catalyst for some deep emotional healing for me, and I'm so grateful for the growth this practice has brought. 

It's still less than a year since I resumed my practice after a 6 year break, I practised fairly regularly for 5 years or so prior to that. I'm so glad I found ashtanga yoga again, the reunion has been so good for me. 

In the past I have sometimes lamented that I wish I'd never stopped practising. Recently I've been feeling fine about the break and just fabulous about the fact I've resumed. Right now is the first time I've managed to sustain regular (3-4 times + per week) practice, ever. It feels fantastic. Even if I had carried on practising for all the wilderness years when I was bumming about doing nothing much, I might not have had the insight I have now. It makes me realise how many lessons I've had over these "lost" years, even if the lessons weren't on my mat. 

I love this meditation about the golden path, which sort of sums up what I'm trying to say: if you're on your path then it all feels good and it's the right place for you to be at that time. Sometimes the right place for you to get what you need isn't where you think you might need to be.  

Speaking of the Golden Path, my brain finds it quite impossible not to think of this tune......

Releasing fears

What people really want, if it doesn't sound too soppy, is to live their love. Every day! Eat things because they love them, share food because they love to be with people. Just live out of love, love for beauty, love for truth, love for children and animals. It is our nature to live expansively and generously, not cautiously and calculatingly. The opposite of love is fear, not hate.
-Jean Liedloff, Author of the Continuum Concept

This quote has been attached to the bottom of my emails until fairly recently, when I changed it on a whim. I love it all, but particularly the final sentence: "The opposite of love is fear, not hate".

Something that's cropping up a lot for me at the moment is how fear can really keep you in a place you aren't entirely happy. Half the time we don't recognise it for what it is or we dress it up in rationalisations and justifications. It's truly a wolf in sheep's clothing. No wonder so many people are miserable when they don't even know they're living in fear instead of "living their love".

I went to a fabulous yoga workshop with Danny Paradise last weekend (the post about this is still sitting in my drafts folder....). He talked about Ashtanga yoga being a practice that promotes deep emotional healing, and how the roots of depression are related to unfulfilled dreams and not following what your heart really wants to do. It was meaningful to me because I know I've ignored my heart's desire in the past. It's so easy to make excuses to yourself when you're terrified of being out of your comfort zone. At the time I probably wouldn't have seen that my reluctance to take a risk was fear, though it seems clear with hindsight. I obviously wasn't ready to do what I wanted to then, or I'd have done it!

About a month ago I was taken by surprise by my first really open/easy full backbend. My body suddenly seemed to yield to an asana it has so far disliked participating in! The backbend released some really powerful emotions. For a week or so after my heart was so open, and I felt overwhelmed by love of life, and the sensation of letting go.... I only realised it was fears that were dissolving after the inital wave of change happened. Funny how I didn't know fear was there for ages, and then I didn't know it was leaving.

I managed a very brief handstand against the wall today, dispelling a long held belief that "I can't do it" and "my legs are too heavy". It was exhilarating, I was so giddy! I realised the weight I felt in my legs was partly fear: the immediate physical fear of falling over, but also the fear of failing and not being good enough.

All the other lifting and lightening sensations I've been having recently in yoga are starting to make sense. I'm letting go of my fears in favour of living my love.

Balsam

I'm aching here. I went to a Jivamukti yoga workshop today, it was relatively short but quite different to what I normally do in Ashtanga yoga. It was really fun and challenging, and it's left me feeling excited and keen to get back into my practice groove, which has become a little erratic lately. I wish I could put an extra hour into the morning so I can fit it in there, I need some timetabled space for it, preferably not at 9pm!

I was a little worried about how I might be tempted to compare myself to all the slim and slinky hip young things at the class this morning, Jivamukti seems to be a pretty cool, rock'n'roll way to practice and I'm not really either of those things ;) 

But I'd been playing with the angel cards a friend gave me this morning and I had a mantra that really helped me stay present in the moment. "Goddess of Beauty. You are a wondrous being of light: there is nothing to change or fix." 

I wasn't for one moment tempted to wish I had a smaller bum or was better at wrapping my arms around my back or that I could do the splits. I wasn't bothered about what I looked like at all, I even forgot about the crusty impetigo on my face (Esme kindly shared with me...). This was a lovely soothing mantra to carry with me today. 

-------------------------------------------------------------

I remember seeing these types of affirmations in the past and feeling a little embarrassed by how cheesey they seemed. As if you'd stand in the mirror and say these things to yourself! As if just saying something could really make things happen for you. Be serious! But actually, the more I've used affirmations lately, the more I'm growing to like them and the sense of calm they bring. It's like an anchor, something you've decided can hold you steady when everything around might niggle you otherwise. Perhaps they are also a way of holding space to allow things to manifest for you.

It seems there's even more power in creating your own affirmations to help with everyday situations that are challenging your inner calm, and to bring yourself good fortune. Another friend gave me the tip of being totally non-specific, so there's some flexibility about how your wishes might be fulfilled. I'll use my own recent example of uncertainty about where we might be living. It wouldn't be that helpful to say "We will sell our house and move to the house in the hills with the red door as soon as possible". The mantra I came up with in this instance was "The space our family needs to reach it's full potential will be there for us, when we are ready for it". 

By using the mantra I can allow the energy to flow to where it needs to be, I can stop myself getting carried away thinking about all the endless possibilities of what might happen by coming back to this simple phrase. It's a balsam for my overactive mind, an antidote to worry, a reminder to trust it will all work out: restorative, healing. It's got to be a good thing!

Anyway, if all that's too way out, how about a nice Balsam bath? I had one just now and it soothed my achey muscles...still not sure I'll be able to walk tomorrow though ;)

Balsam Bath Bag

Gather 2 handfuls of young pine needles. Put in a muslin bag (I actually used an old sock tonight) and (get a small child to) bruise with a wooden mallet or rolling pin. Run a hot bath and put the bag into the water.

Add essential oils of your choice- pine or eucalyptus would be good for achey muscles. Soak, relax! 

The Boo Birthday

Five years and 1 week ago I had a 7 day old baby in my arms. Esme was, without doubt, the best birthday gift I could have ever wished for.

Well, last weekend it was my birthday (again) and I didn't get a baby this time, but I did have a really cool time with my beautiful family and lots of friends around me. It was pretty much perfect for me actually.

I did a yoga and meditation workshop on the Saturday morning with an old teacher I used to go to classes with a VERY long time ago. It was great to see him, hear his voice and to really feel how gentle his approach to life is. It was most affirming. 

I had a slightly odd sense I was in a time warp as the workshop was held in the same school hall I used to mope along to for yoga twice a week when I was a student. It's funny how back then I really didn't appreciate how much time I had to practice, write, cook, go for a run, chat on the phone, and the list goes on.... When I think now what I could have achieved then IF I'd bothered to get off my backside....ugh. And now I'm squeezing my yoga practice and everything else I want to do into an hour or two in the evening. With age comes wisdom?... or was it the kids that gave me that insight here?! Anyway I digress....

On the Sunday (my birthday) we went to a Puppet Festival at the Boo, home of the Horse and Bamboo Theatre and saw some wonderful performances...

Hippochondriac .... a bit hit with Magnus who (after a long time plucking up courage) enjoyed tickling the hippo's nose with a feather duster tickling stick!

And Storm in a Teacup , which was just stunningly beautiful. I couldn't really imagine how this story was going to be presented, but it was fabulous- crafted so cleverly and creatively.  It was so delightful; a really meaningful story, visually stunning, funny and engaging and with lovely music.We were all enthralled, and I was slightly shocked to be moved to tears at several points in the performance! 

Afterwards we were allowed to meet the performers, explore the set, handle the puppets and masks and ask questions...

I wondered if this might demystify the magical feel of the show for the children but actually it served to add intrigue. The seamless performance, which had appeared to be very simple, was obviously planned with great precision and carefully choreographed. It gave the children a few insights into how they could start to create their own fantastic theatrical puppet masterpieces, they were still rapt!...

It was such a privilege to see this show and I am still moved inside when I think how much we all enjoyed it now.

I've been thinking of getting my children involved in some sort of "drama" but going to the Boo really clarified that for now I want them to be exposed to truly creative theatre, gentle storytelling and artistry rather than more show-y off-y theatre/ (poorly) regurgitated West End musicals or anything too heavyweight. It's fab we have the time and freedom to pursue this since Esme is not at school. 

After the puppets we took over a big table for tea in a local cafe with my family and plenty of chums who had all debunked from Manchester up into the hills for the day. 

I came home feeling very loved and very, very lucky. I'm so, so grateful for all this. Thank you everyone ;)

Dynamic

Isn't that a great word?

Dynamic yoga: I'm still feeling pretty obsessed with yoga practice, and I'm doing ok with just fitting it in wherever I can....it must nearly be a habit now?! I knew I'd changed a lot but how I'm approaching yoga is showing me just how much my perspective and personality has expanded, how different I am. There's no struggle, I'm just really really happy to be enjoying it which makes it easier to practice and then I enjoy it and the positive circle goes on, or so I hope :)

Dynamic life: okay so life is always dynamic, ever-changing. But it feels like there's a lot of stuff in my life shifting at the moment. Constant physical activity, emotional change, progression, new ideas, lots of variations in intensity with all of the above. It's exciting....

My new aspiration is to start uploading my photos more regularly and actually blog about the things my family is doing.... lest I seem like I'm just (podgy) navel gazing all day!

I'm missing you Sue-Ann, hope all is well as can be, thinking of you down under and sending lots of love XXX

Reunion

I went to my first ashtanga yoga class in a long time just over a week ago. It was like meeting an old friend and finding they haven't changed a bit, like we'd never been apart.

I was shocked by the "muscle memory", at how the fabric of my body could remember the postures, dynamic movements and the sensations of breathing and relaxation. I concentrated intensely on just breathing for over an hour for the first time in several years. This practice is often referred to as a form of moving meditation: during the class something inside me shifted, and by the end of the relaxation I was weeping. It was profound but also quite amusing. I really couldn't stop crying (and shaking...) for quite some time! I half-sobbed half-laughed to the teacher "thanks... that was really fantastic.... honestly..." ;-) 

Yoga has seen me through some tough times in the past. It saved me from sinking deep into a pit of depression when I first started practising and for quite a few years I was pretty devoted to it. Bearing in mind that I don't have a great track record with commitment to anything, this was a BIG deal for me. My mat has travelled to the other side of the world with me on several occasions and is pretty well used....Yet since having the children I've not quite found the time to take a class or made space in my life to practice regularly at home. That first class was  like when you suddenly realise you are desperately thirsty, and taking a sip of water. It was quite painful to realise how deprived I have been without this nurturing and revitalising practice.

I'm not naturally supple and my aerobic fitness is also pretty poor right now so I was anxious about returning to this demanding physical activity. But actually I'm getting my strength and flexibility back quickly, and my mind got right back into turning itself off and enjoying a lack of mental chatter. I'm also pleasantly surprised how determined I now feel to make this part of my everyday life. I really need it.  It's funny how having so much less time to indulge in yoga is making me create chances to do it more, and with more focus. I strongly feel that my children need to see me take care of myself, and I really want them to have the expectation that their adult lives will include a certain amount of self-care, a regular habit or practice of something whether it's yoga, tai chi, running, music, chess, painting or tiddlywinks!....and an inner focus and connection with themselves. Spirituality.

I can see that I've been putting up a lot of mental blocks where yoga practice is concerned and I'm so glad I've started pulling the barriers down. No more excuses. Now, how long do they say it takes something to become a habit?!

This is David Swenson, an amazing, inspirational yogi. I'd say his habit is pretty well entrenched....

Namaste

The body remembers

I've been wanting to resume writing here for days, but stalling on what to write, even though I have a list of posts to add that's getting very long indeed.

Anyway, today I'm blogging about swimming.

When I was little I wasn't allowed to swim underwater for what felt like a long time, because I had grommets fitted to try and cure the chronic glue ear that meant I suffered dreadfully, repeatedly with perforated eardrums. When I could finally go swimming without earplugs and worrying about being ducked, I made up for lost time, learnt fast and spent many happy hours floating around our local pool.

I remember my Nana taking us to the baths as kids, and I'd catch her looking frantically, anxiously around for me. It must've been like watching a Grebe diving down and popping up in random places- I was swimming underwater, lost to the world. I can empathise with poor bewildered Nana now, with my experience of taking two children swimming: she was terrified because she needed to keep us safe. Then, I laughed at her concern. I was fine. More than fine because I was, quite literally, in my element.

Fast forward a few years and I swam at least 3 or 4 times every week, sometimes more. I helped in the water with the little ones just starting to learn to swim. I got all my badges, trained with the swimming club, raced in Galas, won trophies. I also went swimming just to fart about and dive for my locker key and jump in, do somersaults and float. Looking back, I loved it. But for some reason when I hit my teens, I stopped. Just like that. And it has taken until now for me to get back to it, to remember just how much I love it and how happy it makes me to be in the water.

Each time I swim I feel different. Some days it's like I'm dragging a concrete block through a pool full of porridge. Other days, like today, it's simple-  I AM a porpoise! It's such a buzz to be able to do just a tiny bit more each time. My body remembers how good it feels in every cell of my being.

Swimming has become a form of yoga for me: I'm in the moment, focused on my breathing, mindful of the sensations throughout my body as I attempt to fine tune every dynamic movement my body makes. My body and mind is unified. It is a wonderful release. I'd forgotten about it, and rediscovering my passion is something I am feeling intensely excited about, and grateful for right now.