A moving experience (Part 1)

It's all happening!... We're set to move house at the end of the month. Our home is half packed up and in a slight state of disarray.  I'm a real home bird and love being snug and cosy, I'm trying to get used to the idea of home not being quite how I want it for a while.

I always wondered why  people talk about moving as being high up "the list" of stressful events, I've moved house at least 6 times in the last 15 years or so since I flew the nest and it's always been fine. I suppose you have to be settled to be uprooted, and perhaps I've never really been that settled before. This is the first time I've moved from a home we've owned, and the first time we've moved since having children. I'm beginning to realise why it's stressful now though, which is not to say I'm feeling stressed (well, not consciously at least).

It's not really the practical issues of packing, moving, unpacking that are taxing, though I'm not denying the effort required in this. It's the intensity of emotions that get thrown up that are harder to cope with. It would be easy to begin to be overwhelmed and not really know how to deal with that. Some examples:

Editing possessions and sorting the past. I'm finding going through Esme's artwork particularly harrowing: I can't believe the children are growing up so fast. The feelings of grief and mourning I've had have surprised me in some respects as I'm also so happy to see them growing up.

The sense of somehow, gently, disconnecting from where you are, without losing precious friends and appreciation of the place that has been home. And hoping, hoping, hoping that the new connections you wish to create will be created, and be fruitful, fulfilling, fun!

It's also challenging to family relationships, bringing up potential conflicts with many important issues: money, equality and justice, co-operation, support, respect. A minefield when your resources are already depleted by all of the above!

I can't get my head into the people who seem to change their homes motivated by "investment" or just because they fancy a change. I don't want to do this again too soon, even though (fingers and toes and everything else crossed) it's seeming fairly smooth for us right now...

I'm more than a little nervous about making a new life somewhere quite different, even though that place is "home" for me. Bonkers. I'm also quite confident this is the right thing for us to do. It feels momentous, but I also have a sense I'll look back in a few years and wonder what I was making a big deal about!

Our family is ready for the space it needs to grow and reach it's fullest potential.

Limbo

The "For Sale" board at the front of our house went up about a month ago. We've spent at least 6 months trying to get ready (ie not full of junk and filthy) to put it on the market, and for a good year or two before that we've been talking about leaving the City. But attaching the board to the front wall was still a really scary thing to do: announcing to our neighbourhood that we're hoping to move away, inviting complete strangers to come and scrutinise our home.

It felt, at first, like a test to be passed: trying to make our home measure up to what someone might want to buy. And then I kinda gave up on that and decided that whoever views it will either like it or not. I've put so much effort and energy into getting the house ready to try and sell it. It feels nicer to be here now because I'm keeping it really clean and tidy and a lot of stuff's in storage.

Since we had a big de-clutter at Easter it's stayed just as it is, bar the recent removal of my Sheila na gig from the hearth (potentially offensive says Joel...hehhe). We realised our first viewers were sat right opposite them... it would be fairly hard to ignore her and her rather excited male counterpart, I bet they had a giggle afterwards! Anyway, whoever comes gets to see the intimate details of our family life, and a chunk of my soul in physical form, I think. That still feels like a pretty big deal....though it's getting easier.

We love our home, and if it came to our "worst case scenario" of not being able to sell it, we'd be happy to stay here. It's not a bad worst case ;) We have a nice house, good friends, great proximity to tons of cool things to do with other home edders, lots of funky folks in the neighbourhood, a cool pub, a new Deli (finally)...the list goes on and on.

BUT something inside me has shifted. The doubts and anxieties I have about a going to a new area are bothering me much less. Joel too, I think. We've found a house we really like and the more we visit the better it feels, so now it's just a waiting game. Of course we have to carry on as normal and enjoy our lives here, despite the knowledge that there's somewhere else calling us. I'm trying not to be impatient, well aware it could take a long time to sell, but keen to get on with building our future.

It's not really a problem living in limbo, in fact, it feels good having more clarity about where we want to be. Hopefully that energy will move things along for us soon.

Que Sera Sera....

I don't know if I'm coming or going these days... so much is happening.

We're thinking quite seriously about moving out of the city. It's a little daunting as it will mean quite a big change of pace and way of life. We have good friends and an active and supportive home education community in Manchester, and I am very involved in a very exciting project to do with learning that is very much rooted in being here. When I write down that I wonder why I want to move out.....

I've been resisting the pull of the green Valleys to the North where I grew up for a long time but it's still there and it's getting stronger, if anything. We feel  that we will all be too comfortable in our Urban ways if we leave it much longer to move. It's cheaper up there, we can get a bigger house, a garden, be closer to my family, it's still close to Manchester...not the end of the earth at all really. But Joel will have a long commute to work (at least in the short term) so we'd see him even less than we already do, we will be more reliant on the car, there is not a local home educating community as far as I can tell, no ethical wholefood co-op, no fabulous corner shop. I don't know. It's a hard call...

Here is a not very good picture of my beautiful children at our wonderful corner shop, just because I never put any pictures on my boring text heavy page! 

Anyway, add this to all the other "small"(!) stuff: managing home learning and meeting the children's needs, what to cook, housework, my LLL leadership application, my various on the go projects...crochet, several riveting and enlightening books, my filing pile, sewing and mending, making the house more liveable (and therefore more saleable!), the garden, the pets...even just checking my email, never mind responding....

SO many things are buzzing about in my head, it's all a bit dizzying, and I am really tired out with both the depth of emotion and physicality of my everyday life. But I feel a real difference to how this feels compared to previous times when I've had lots of thoughts to sort out.

I think it's attachment. I am really trying not to get stuck on wanting any particular thing, just trusting that the right path will come along and we'll know when to choose it. Doing what I can when I can, managing my time, being responsible. It feels good to have lots going on but no anxiety attached to the outcomes. All the energy I would've wasted procrastinating and worrying once upon a time will be much better spent looking after me so that I'm strong enough to do what needs to be done.

I'm expectant, excited, hopeful, ready to go forward in whatever way we need to.

Enough rambling. Bed ;)