Competence

I've been thinking about the way our culture seems to ascribe children really low levels of competence with some things and yet prematurely pushes them towards being grown up with others.

Last weekend we visited a park that was swarming with children and their carers. I've not been around a big bunch of  local kids for a while. I suppose it was all pretty normal, but I what I saw made me think, as so often happens these days. Some examples. Huge (to my eyes) kids wearing nappies. By the climbing frame I could barely move for parents anxiously hovering, saying "be careful" to their massive offspring as they clung for dear life onto the equipment. One man was "helping" his daughter to climb a rope ladder by holding her two arms up in the air, so she was only using her legs... yeah, thanks for that Dad. Such low expectations of what the children would be capable of doing.

Now, I really appreciate that all children are different and that they all have their own way of developing and gaining skills. I also have my own experience that tells me that small people are really able to do a lot more than most folks seem to realise, particularly where physical development is concerned. Babies are born communicating their need to eliminate, if you're listening. Really young children can be frighteningly adept at climbing, but fearful hovering creates self doubt and will most likely result in a fall that perpetuates the parent's need to urge caution. As for over zealous hands-on help, how frustrating to be so stifled! It saddens me to think so many people aren't prepared to trust their child's sense of exploration and just be there to reassure and assist when they actually need them.

It strikes me that our culture is all for children developing independence when it suits the grown ups. Allowing children the freedom to become physically competent at their own speed develops their confidence, but it also makes life more difficult for us. It's not easy keeping an eye on a toddler climbing everywhere, and it can be really inconvenient having to stop and help a child go to the toilet whenever they need to.... It is unnerving to have a two year old whizz away from you at top speed on a balance bike. I'm not sure it's conscious but it seems to me that the result of not trusting children is a way of making our lives more straightforward.

The independence and competence we seem to strive for culturally so often compromises areas of development where it is more "normal" biologically to be dependent on another person. Perhaps I'm cynical but this also seems linked to giving parents an easier time of it. Like expecting children to sleep alone and through the night early on, not carrying or giving as much physical contact as children may need, not breastfeeding or nursing only until a certain age is reached, refusing to baby a "big" boy or girl by helping to feed or dress them....I'm sure there's more...

How back to front that we baby children at times when they don't need it and expect them to be grown up when they need to be babied. So much misplaced energy in this mad world. I'm not saying my energy doesn't ever go off in a wonky direction but at least I can see it ;)