Ease

It's almost a given in attachment parenting that some or all of the parent's needs will be unmet. Be it sleep or lack of personal space, there's usually something parents would really like that they forfeit to care for small children, for a time at least.

For a long time now one of my greatest unmet needs has been ease. Granted, it seems a lot to expect ease in my life with the choices we made about moving to a building site and having a third child: small children and project houses are hardly renowned for being easy, stress free ventures! However, I really like to think that it is possible for us to have our needs met whatever the circumstances, even if it's not always, ummmm....easy :-)

If my situation precludes fundamental needs being met, perhaps I must reconsider whether meeting this need is truly a priority. Perhaps if I'm honest, those needs can wait a few years, or slide down/fall off my list altogether. Or maybe some (big) changes need to happen.

As much as I have wanted to believe I don't deserve ease at the moment, because of the circumstances of my life, I keep coming back to a place where I feel I must shift things, both practically and emotionally, to achieve a more peaceful inner state and a sense of ease of being.

Some ways I am trying to make life easier practically....

• Beginning (see my last post!) 
• De-cluttering I used this 40 day declutter guide, I'm still working to clear out the stuff we don't need. 
• Being organised with food -meal planning, making easy/quick meals, prepared ahead of time wherever possible.... doubling/trebling up on cooking so I can prepare lunch/dinner and something for the freezer at the same time.
• relaxation of my standards- seeing past mess, making easier meals, washing clothes (and dare I say it...myself) less frequently. Acceptance of the fact the housework will always be there for me!
• little and often- washing, tidying, etc. Sometimes this is the best way but sometimes i need to...
• Blitz big jobs...tick them off once and for all! 
• keep a shopping list in my notebook, write down items as soon as I realise I need something, make lists from my meal plans...
• Bulk buy when I do go shopping, especially at the Wholefood Grocery store.
• 
  

Emotionally, finding ease is much harder, but when i pare the situations I find most difficult to live with back, ease seems to constitute a few different things for me: acceptance, realism, clear boundaries, honesty, freedom. Funny how these little words embody so much internal struggle! It's been feeling like ease has been something to strive for, but I realise I have to find it here and now in each moment to really live with ease. Life is always imperfect, but I can always make the choice to live simply.

How to eat an elephant?...

I'm really feeling a shift in myself in my attempts to change my procrastination habits. It's taken me quite a few years to get around to this....  :-)

The logical and practical reasons for doing things little and often hadn't escaped me, but actually getting round to changing my procrastinating tendencies was more problematic. However, for a while now I've been managing to break things down into little steps in order to tackle bigger jobs. And it feels really really good to be getting somewhere, finally....

Regardless of the task, choosing short bursts of activity have really focused my energies and helped me reframe my perception of time. I can achieve more in 4 x 15 minute bursts throughout the week than I can when I wait to get a whole hour "spare" to dedicate to something. The sense of overwhelm is slowly decreasing as I work through my enormous to do list.... Doing little bits also means that I can keep up with my everyday tasks better than if I try to take too much time out from the daily drudge to tick things off my list.

I'm also realising, and I'll admit to being a bit slow picking this up too, that the only way I'm going to survive parenting in the way I choose to is to accept this! Just doing lots of little bits seemed so frustrating to me, so I'd struggle to begin. But actually, I'm doing more this way. Being productive feels good, and I'm managing to keep some of the promises I made to myself to care for myself better and to try and balance life as a busy Mama and homemaker.

How do you motivate yourself? Do you struggle to find time for you?

Forgive me if all this sounds very obvious. Perhaps everyone else is much better at this than I am. It's taking me such a long time to get to grips with living one bite at a time!

Testing testing

does it work?....I'm testing. I am quite excited about this development! Must check spellings or my blog will be littered with dreadful phone text typos....

Here's a lovely picture of Cosmo

mobile blogging

I've just discovered I can blog from my phone. Huzzar. I might actually stand a chance of posting some stuff up more than once a year.

I'm determined not to become totally addicted to my smartphone, and of late I've been very consciously turning it off, ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist. But I can't deny how much I love having the internet at my fingertips or how easy it makes browsing eBay, Facebook and Pinterest. I want to harness this technology for the greatest good possible, since I'm making the choice not to reject it outright.

Writing is definitely for my greatest good. A sanity saver, but best done little and often. So hip hip hooray! for the Blogger app that is currently zapping through the ether to my phone....I hope it's good!  

Hiatus

Yet again it's been a long time since I posted here. A very very long time....

So much has happened that I hardly know where to start, or if I ought to. A large part of me has been wanting to write and yet I'm bothered by the thought that I won't get around to doing this very often these days. I'm slightly embarrassed by the gap between posts! I am as rubbish as ever at uploading photographs. Should I just accept I am overstretched and call it a day?

I've come full circle: life was moving away from all things birth/baby related as my sweet children grow older.  I should have had more time to write. But then, after pretty much deciding we were happy with 2 children we changed our minds! It doesn't seem to have taken very long for the most recent small man in our family, Cosmo, to make himself at home. I could be writing about EC again now as we dance the intuitive mother and baby dance together... but I'm not....I'm definitely struggling to find time where I have 2 hands free to type anything at all.

Let's see if I get around to some more posts any time soon before I make any decision on this. I've made enough tricky decisions lately.

To be continued?........

My heart sings

I recently watched an amazing TED video of Steve Jobs. An incredible man.

I was really struck by what he says about using intuition, following your dreams and "joining up the dots". Essentially he was saying that if you trust your inner guidance and follow your heart, even if it seems like the "wrong" thing (to other people perhaps...) at the time, you will reap the rewards in the future. Only in the future will you be able to see that an action was entirely "right" and how that has contributed to your present. In Jobs' case, dropping out of college gave him the time and space to become fascinated with calligraphy, which subsequently influenced his whole approach to design and the typography that was used to develop the Mac, and every computer thereafter. He didn't know at the time how calligraphy would affect everything later on....but with hindsight he could join the dots, reinforcing his sense that he knew what he was doing all along.

I really need to work on the part of me that is full of regrets for not following my heart when I was younger. I think my inner guidance has always been pretty hot, but I've definitely failed when it comes to having the courage and strength to act by it. It would be interesting (for me) to try and think of some concrete examples of this, but I'm not going to bore you with this. Hehe.

It's difficult not to feel a sense of disappointment that I've wasted a lot of time over the years. I keep having these pangs of anger with myself that I am not accomplished in the ways I'd like to be because I didn't do what I really wanted to, and that (aside from Mothering) I haven't found my life's purpose. I was so afraid, bothered about what other people would think, the names I might be called, of "failure". It's so silly, what is failure anyway? I've failed more by not doing than I would have by doing. That's one thing that I see when I join my dots....

Since we moved I've been trying to slow right down and focus on my purpose. I have lots of interests and half developed hobbies, and in the past my energy has felt scattered, that's really bothered me. I've been consciously trying to find something that lights a real flame of passion and creativity in me, taking Wild Oat flower essence seems to be helping me to pin myself down a bit.

I've talked in the past about my love of swimming and yoga, and yet these things are more about finding  peace, space and vital sustenance than about the surges of passion, purpose and creativity I've been desiring.

I was very pragmatic: I wrote a massive list of all the things I wanted to do/learn and then worked out which were my priorities, what I could do without help and what I needed to join a class or group for. And then I started singing again, with a bunch of fantastic women who are very very funny, super creative and extremely talented. Joining a singing group is making me realise and appreciate my talents. It's really helping me to move past this sense of regret that I haven't been singing and playing music all along. I still really wish I was Laura Marling, but maybe there's still time.... and even if I'm not Laura Marling, at least I'll be living life with more depth, purpose and joy.

The facebook status updates I never posted.....

I've been wondering how on earth I will ever feel able to start blogging again after the passage of so much time. Moving has taken it's toll on our family in so many respects. Time to do anything much apart from eat, sleep and do what we need to do to keep going is more scarce than ever. Time for my own pursuits and creativity is proving one of the hardest things to claw back now the dust is settling.

In order that I can dive back in and start writing in the present tense, I feel the need for a brief catch up. To save everyone from my waffle I have been inspired to do this in the style of the facebook status update. I seem to have wasted many hours looking at facebook since I somewhat reluctantly reinstated my account, so it seems fitting to appropriate something that has stolen lots of my time for my own time and effort saving benefit!

So, here are the updates I could have posted from  March 2011 to now.

Sarah:

• is officially in residence at her Mother's, with fella, kids, dog and cat. How did this happen?
• owns a house in a total state of chaos and disorder. And wonders how we will live there in the next few weeks.
• is totally knackered
• is absolutely filthy
• is bewildered
• feels so sorry for her poor children, with their world turned upside down
• wonders if this is ever going to get easier
• needs HELP!!!!
• wants to go home
• is completely skint 
• learnt a lot, albeit in a difficult and expensive way.
• needs to value and trust herself more
• wants her happy contented family back
• really needs some space
• forgives herself and others
• is happy living in building site ;-)
• How do I choose where to put my energy?
• brimming with ideas, frustrated at lack of opportunities to create
• Happy Birthday Joel
• nervous and excited about weekend of Yoga with Matthew Sweeney
• relaxed, peaceful and inspired
• happy to see good friends
• enjoying exploring countryside and art in Lancashire
• I love Towneley Park. And my in-Laws.
• Magnus can float! Weightless again. 
• nothing like the feeling of being known and understood
• inherited a futon, thanks Elizabeth
• carnival rush rush rush christening......
• Happy Birthday Esme
• a party, fishes out of water and new connections. It's all good.
• another party, in our building site. And a snatched visit to the Boo. 
• Happy Birthday to me. We finally made it to Offshoots and I want to build a yurt now.
• bankruptcy looming after trip to local health food store. At least he can pay his mortgage this month...
• down behind the Backstreets down in Rawtenstall..... 
• building a dry stone wall, of course. 
• nervous anticipation, off to Mother Camp...no mobile phones, loads of hippy families....am I good enough?
• What an amazing, inspiring, exciting time we had. Wish it wasn't over.  
• saved by the good folk of Altham Mill and needle felting. Longing to sing
• Poor Esme: less than 24 hours after the joy of finding Baby Annabel for £3 in the charity shop, the disappointment that she cannot really drink water
• live and let live eh?
• off to Suffolk again, looking forward to some family time and a week with Great Granny.
• wants to live in Walberswick, very at home in Suffolk.
• angry at the people rioting, shame you can't nick a brain and a conscience.....
• David Cameron, what an idiot
• now I remember why I don't watch the news. The HORROR.
• sluggish and feeling chubby after being force fed pudding and drinking loads of booze every day for a week.
• misses Joel a lot. 
• needs a new kitchen
• brimming with ideas, creativity and excitement
• wants more family time
• is grateful
• is glad to see so much more of Liz Mutch these days.
• beginning to play guitar, again
• pleased to be back in the blogosphere

And there we are, up to date. ;-)

It will be worth it

This is the mantra I'm clinging to at the moment.

We've been staying at my Mum's house for a month now, while we make our new house habitable. The idea was that we'd do it a bit at a time and live in it almost immediately- maybe just stay with Mum for a week or so to get it rewired. Anyway, the best laid plans and all that.....

Home Sweet Home...sort of

The wall of stone. 

Our living room

Kitchen

the landing

The bathroom was one of the worst rooms. 

Gypsy caravan style shower area. WHY?!

Master bedroom

Magnus' bedroom

Once we started ripping out all the crap it was hard to stop. And we decided that whilst we could live with bare walls, undecorated rooms, jobs that needed finishing, we could definitely NOT live with the amount of shite left behind. The poor house has suffered years and years of abuse and really needed liberating from the ten tons of crap we've taken out. Several enormous skips worth so far actually.... BUT we are now at a point where just about all the stuff to be taken out (bar the kitchen for now) is out. Whoooopeee!!!

As well as the demolition of the hideous feature fireplaces, several walls and quite a few bits of "fitted" furniture, we have completely rewired, rejigged the plumbing and installed a new boiler. We are now in the middle of putting in the new bathroom and reconfiguring the layout downstairs. We have 2 bedrooms more or less ready to decorate and I've been digging the garden, just because there isn't much else I can do while I'm watching the kids... and it'll soon be time to get the beans and peas in the ground  ;-)

I won't even start talking about the emotional upheaval. We're doing ok under the circumstances but we are all really ready to move into our new home pretty soon. We can't settle at the moment, we need to put down roots before our first little shoots can start reaching for the light here. 

I can't put into words how much I'm looking forward to the seeing this new view from our bedroom window in a week or two. 

You can see the progress we're making on our project in all it's glory via Joel's photo album

Thoughts on yoga

My wonderful yoga teacher Kirstin recently asked me for my thoughts on my yoga practice as a testimonial to try and entice potential new students. I wrote instinctively and fairly quickly for her to edit as required- I know my tendency to waffle!.... I'm quite pleased with what came out, so I thought I'd share it. I haven't navel gazed here for a little while ;-)

My yoga practice keeps me sane: it's my best friend and my teacher, a very reliable source of inner strength and energy. It doesn't matter what's happening in my life when I get on my mat and start breathing, everything else just melts away. It's so nourishing and enriching to my body and my soul, I don't know how I lived without it now. 

Recently I've been feeling quite intoxicated by my practice. It's challenging in so many different ways and I constantly surprise myself with what I am doing. I love to surrender my expectations and test the boundaries of my physical and my mental stamina. My body is opening up, lighter and leaner than I thought possible. I find it much easier to stay calm and centred. I know that yoga has been the catalyst for some deep emotional healing for me, and I'm so grateful for the growth this practice has brought. 

It's still less than a year since I resumed my practice after a 6 year break, I practised fairly regularly for 5 years or so prior to that. I'm so glad I found ashtanga yoga again, the reunion has been so good for me. 

In the past I have sometimes lamented that I wish I'd never stopped practising. Recently I've been feeling fine about the break and just fabulous about the fact I've resumed. Right now is the first time I've managed to sustain regular (3-4 times + per week) practice, ever. It feels fantastic. Even if I had carried on practising for all the wilderness years when I was bumming about doing nothing much, I might not have had the insight I have now. It makes me realise how many lessons I've had over these "lost" years, even if the lessons weren't on my mat. 

I love this meditation about the golden path, which sort of sums up what I'm trying to say: if you're on your path then it all feels good and it's the right place for you to be at that time. Sometimes the right place for you to get what you need isn't where you think you might need to be.  

Speaking of the Golden Path, my brain finds it quite impossible not to think of this tune......

A moving experience (Part 1)

It's all happening!... We're set to move house at the end of the month. Our home is half packed up and in a slight state of disarray.  I'm a real home bird and love being snug and cosy, I'm trying to get used to the idea of home not being quite how I want it for a while.

I always wondered why  people talk about moving as being high up "the list" of stressful events, I've moved house at least 6 times in the last 15 years or so since I flew the nest and it's always been fine. I suppose you have to be settled to be uprooted, and perhaps I've never really been that settled before. This is the first time I've moved from a home we've owned, and the first time we've moved since having children. I'm beginning to realise why it's stressful now though, which is not to say I'm feeling stressed (well, not consciously at least).

It's not really the practical issues of packing, moving, unpacking that are taxing, though I'm not denying the effort required in this. It's the intensity of emotions that get thrown up that are harder to cope with. It would be easy to begin to be overwhelmed and not really know how to deal with that. Some examples:

Editing possessions and sorting the past. I'm finding going through Esme's artwork particularly harrowing: I can't believe the children are growing up so fast. The feelings of grief and mourning I've had have surprised me in some respects as I'm also so happy to see them growing up.

The sense of somehow, gently, disconnecting from where you are, without losing precious friends and appreciation of the place that has been home. And hoping, hoping, hoping that the new connections you wish to create will be created, and be fruitful, fulfilling, fun!

It's also challenging to family relationships, bringing up potential conflicts with many important issues: money, equality and justice, co-operation, support, respect. A minefield when your resources are already depleted by all of the above!

I can't get my head into the people who seem to change their homes motivated by "investment" or just because they fancy a change. I don't want to do this again too soon, even though (fingers and toes and everything else crossed) it's seeming fairly smooth for us right now...

I'm more than a little nervous about making a new life somewhere quite different, even though that place is "home" for me. Bonkers. I'm also quite confident this is the right thing for us to do. It feels momentous, but I also have a sense I'll look back in a few years and wonder what I was making a big deal about!

Our family is ready for the space it needs to grow and reach it's fullest potential.

Presents and Furoshiki

Lovely Jeanette posted this fab link which has inspired me to try something different with wrapping for the gifts we are giving this Christmas, I wanted to pass it on too...even though I'm not as organised as her and I haven't even finished making and buying all the gifts yet! I am certainly not organised enough to have wrapped any up, though I'm feeling encouraged to get on and do it now ;)

We are making lots of consumable things to give- edible treats and bath bombs, and the rest of the things we are giving tend to be practical or things that people have specifically requested. I can't bear the waste of buying for the sake of it, though it's easy to fall into that trap at this time of year....crazy.

I am looking forward to bringing Solstice into our celebrations more this year, as that really resonates with me more than the Christian festival ever has.

Hope you are all snuggled up warm and cosy wherever you are, and that you enjoy your celebrations!
Warmest winter wishes, love and light and blessings for 2011 to all
with much love Sarah xxx

Worry

I'm worrying about money. It's probably daft to do this but such a lot has gone out this month, and not on nice frivolities and the festive season: sadly it's more mundane costs that are draining our purse.

There's more than this though: I'm worrying that worrying might be trying to creep back into my habitual behaviour! I've been feeling quite relaxed and cool about things lately, and I've been doing well with embracing the spirit of abundance. "Love is money, money is love" and " there is enough". All that.... but actually, there isn't an abundance of hard cash here right now! Quite the opposite...we're really skint.

Also, our circumstances are really starting to change. I don't want to get into feeling anxious about life changes now, right at the beginning of the next bit of the journey. I need to go forward with the same sense of clarity and purpose I've been feeling, not turn to jelly the moment the going gets a little bit tougher. Seems it's that same old thing about life playing tricks on you, just when you think you're "getting" how it works everything changes again!...Here come some more lessons ;)

Anyway, I just opened the back door to let the dog out and there is a layer of snow over the garden. I love snow. I love the way it muffles and mutes the sounds of the city, how it illuminates the night with a clean light, tidies away the rubbish and hides the imperfections. It changes the way we see the world. And then it just goes, melts away into nothing and it's almost like it was never there. It's a good reminder of the importance of perspective and the impermanence of everything.

A kind friend remarked on a strategy for managing worry today. Ask yourself:  "Will this matter in five years? Will you remember?" The chances are the financial details will be very different in five years, hopefully better. I can't think of anything I would really remember feeling anxious about, or be likely to still be worrying about in 5 years. This is good.

When I start thinking like this again, it's a bit like a blanket of snow falling over my rubbish heap!.I still need to sort out what's there and take it to the tip, but this buys me some time and for now it is as beautiful as everything else. With a sprinkle of snow I can appreciate my anxiety for what it is: part of my journey, a lesson....even if it hasn't melted away it's a bit better like this.

Releasing fears

What people really want, if it doesn't sound too soppy, is to live their love. Every day! Eat things because they love them, share food because they love to be with people. Just live out of love, love for beauty, love for truth, love for children and animals. It is our nature to live expansively and generously, not cautiously and calculatingly. The opposite of love is fear, not hate.
-Jean Liedloff, Author of the Continuum Concept

This quote has been attached to the bottom of my emails until fairly recently, when I changed it on a whim. I love it all, but particularly the final sentence: "The opposite of love is fear, not hate".

Something that's cropping up a lot for me at the moment is how fear can really keep you in a place you aren't entirely happy. Half the time we don't recognise it for what it is or we dress it up in rationalisations and justifications. It's truly a wolf in sheep's clothing. No wonder so many people are miserable when they don't even know they're living in fear instead of "living their love".

I went to a fabulous yoga workshop with Danny Paradise last weekend (the post about this is still sitting in my drafts folder....). He talked about Ashtanga yoga being a practice that promotes deep emotional healing, and how the roots of depression are related to unfulfilled dreams and not following what your heart really wants to do. It was meaningful to me because I know I've ignored my heart's desire in the past. It's so easy to make excuses to yourself when you're terrified of being out of your comfort zone. At the time I probably wouldn't have seen that my reluctance to take a risk was fear, though it seems clear with hindsight. I obviously wasn't ready to do what I wanted to then, or I'd have done it!

About a month ago I was taken by surprise by my first really open/easy full backbend. My body suddenly seemed to yield to an asana it has so far disliked participating in! The backbend released some really powerful emotions. For a week or so after my heart was so open, and I felt overwhelmed by love of life, and the sensation of letting go.... I only realised it was fears that were dissolving after the inital wave of change happened. Funny how I didn't know fear was there for ages, and then I didn't know it was leaving.

I managed a very brief handstand against the wall today, dispelling a long held belief that "I can't do it" and "my legs are too heavy". It was exhilarating, I was so giddy! I realised the weight I felt in my legs was partly fear: the immediate physical fear of falling over, but also the fear of failing and not being good enough.

All the other lifting and lightening sensations I've been having recently in yoga are starting to make sense. I'm letting go of my fears in favour of living my love.

Begin with the end in mind

I thought this was the first of Steven Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" but when I just checked it, the first is "Be proactive". I guess I must be being proactive already to be thinking about beginning with the end in mind!

Anyway, what I was going to say is that I am astounded how much easier it is to achieve something when you decide in advance what it is that you are going to do. Some recent examples of  a few "new and improved " thought processes:

Eating- I want to exorcise my food demons, stop comfort eating and have an easy relationship with food
Before- eat until I decided I was full (never) at mealtimes, picking between meals, bingeing uncontrollably at any type of buffet meal or snack
Now-   decide how much I am eating in advance and then stop! Review. Eat a bit more if I want to (I hardly ever do)

Yoga practice- I want to establish a regular daily yoga practice
Before- sporadic! 1hr class Saturday, maybe practice 1 hr Monday, nothing til next week, then do a class, 20 mins Wednesday, maybe the same on Thursday, sometimes no practice from one week to the next....
Now- any yoga is better than none, mat comes out when the kids go to bed and I aim to do a 45 min asana practice and take 10 min rest, daily. But I can be flexible about this, some days a little will be better than a lot.

Keeping my cool- I don't like raising my voice in anger
Before- bottle it in, grind my teeth, explode periodically
Now- self empathy, observations, feelings, needs, requests. Still explode periodically. This one is hard!
Hehehe.

I've found a subtle change in the specifics of my vision have a big impact on what I do. If I'm fuzzy it doesn't work. "I'll practice yoga for an hour" is much harder to stick to than " I'll do 5 Sun salutation A, 5 B, A series of 6 specific standing postures and 3 seated postures finishing at Marichyasana C, and then close" works much better. For me it's no good trying to run 'til I'm tired, or eating 'til I'm full because I'm too likely to stop at the "wrong" point! It's heartening that I can't be the only one this happens to, otherwise it wouldn't be on Steven Covey's list to do something different ;)

Change

I've not written anything here for ages. I think I know why (apart from time being in short supply).

When I started writing less about EC, I hoped my blog would be filled with tales of our wonderful home learning activities, a diary of what we get up to together with a feast of photos and recipes and lots of other inspiring stuff: art, craft, sewing, poetry, music. Perhaps the odd bit of self discovery. But my musings have been very inner-self oriented lately, and I've been feeling slightly anxious that I might be hogging the limelight. 

Of course, our family is doing all the cool things I hoped to document. We're learning together, having fun and eating lots of nice food and all that, struggling along sometimes but mostly all is as I would wish. I've been finding that I just don't feel that inspired to write about our day after I've spent all day "doing" it.

The things I do feel the need to write about right now are much more personal. Since I got back on my yoga mat this year I'm really feeling like a very different person. And actually, writing about the changes in my inner world seems far more useful and important to me. I feel a bit vulnerable and naked to think that people might actually read what I write. But that's also a motivational aspect of having a blog, I probably wouldn't just write in a notebook in the same way I do here. I think the benefit of reflecting on my journey and the soul work of artistic creation through writing is worth the risk of publicly exposing myself. 

I'm going to stop feeling apologetic about documenting my navel gazing. I have to remind myself that you can choose not to read if I'm irritating, boring, self-absorbed.... Can you tell I'm still struggling with the pain of some past experiences here?! I am also going stop comparing myself and my blog to all the other talented bloggers and beautiful blogs out there.

I'm just going to carry on doing my best to be a better person and write about it from time to time. 

And perhaps if I let go of my attachment to creating a beautiful diary, I might share some recipes and a few choice pics here and there too ;)

Poem

A People Place 

If this is not a place where tears are understood,
Where do I go to cry?

If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing,
Where do I go to fly?

If this is not a place where my questions can be asked,
Where do I go to seek?

If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard,
Where do I go to speak?

If this is not a place where you'll accept me as I am,
Where can I go to be?

If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow,
Where can I just be me?

- William J Crockett

Autumn

We've had a lot of rain and strong winds here. It's feeling very Autumnal. It's colder, damp in the air. I really realised the change of season had come when I noticed the leaves were dropping last weekend: there was a slow but steady stream of yellow and orange raining gently past the window as I stared out.

And yet there are still many fine days and moments of sun and warmth, and along with the rain that has brought some lovely rainbows. I'm always astonished by how uplifted I feel when I see a rainbow. The colour sequence is so perfect and mesmerising...not good when you're driving!

...taken through the windscreen....

I was particularly glad to see this one though. We were all having a tough journey home late in the day. I never thought I'd feel so moved thinking about the wonderful world we live in at Junction 21 on the M60, it's usually not a place of great beauty! But it brought us all back to centre when nothing else was working.

Feeling clear

It's a good feeling, knowing how you feel. I'm enjoying getting really clear about a few things. Admittedly, a few rather BIG things. None of these feelings are new to me, in fact some are really old. There's no shock revelations happening here, but something's shifted in my clarity on these issues and the strength of my resolve to find and follow my path.

Home I am ready to go home to the hills.

Trust  It will all work out ok. We'll end up where we're meant to be.

Weight
Lose- I'm tall. I carry it pretty well. Ah I'm ok..it doesn't matter...
Gain- I am really happy with me but I don't like carrying this little bit of extra person about. It's not that much but it's going. Forever.

Fitness I want to be strong and healthy. I want to learn to run. I want to chase the children until they're tired.

Spirituality There is space in my life for devotion but not for dogma. Find that space.

Money Look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves. An oldie but a goody!

Abundance There is enough. There will always be enough.

Generosity Trust in abundance, give. Be generous to myself, take when I need to.

Of course, knowing these things is SO easy.... moving towards living this all the time is harder, but I'm refusing to sabotage my happiness as I have so many times in the past. It really doesn't matter if I mess up, I need to just keep on keeping on.

The Hills

We answered the call of this hills this weekend and took a walk near my Mum's. I've been to this place so many times, but not for a long while. It was great to return with the children.

Calf Hey Reservoir, Haslingden

Note that Esme is a dot in the distance. She was so excited to be in the hills she ran off ahead, we didn't see her for another couple of hours as she begged my Mum to walk with her over the hills and far away. Magnus' legs couldn't manage going "up bonk". He did surprisingly well walking the low route and on his scooter though....

and he's very much a big boy now in most other respects too.....no help required!

Esme and Mum finally descended from the hills. Mum said Esme had talked ALL the way and been ahead dragging her along.

 We met some nice rescue donkeys and raided the allotments (with permission) for eggs for tea.

this one bit me!

a country girl at heart 

A good day ;)

Balsam

I'm aching here. I went to a Jivamukti yoga workshop today, it was relatively short but quite different to what I normally do in Ashtanga yoga. It was really fun and challenging, and it's left me feeling excited and keen to get back into my practice groove, which has become a little erratic lately. I wish I could put an extra hour into the morning so I can fit it in there, I need some timetabled space for it, preferably not at 9pm!

I was a little worried about how I might be tempted to compare myself to all the slim and slinky hip young things at the class this morning, Jivamukti seems to be a pretty cool, rock'n'roll way to practice and I'm not really either of those things ;) 

But I'd been playing with the angel cards a friend gave me this morning and I had a mantra that really helped me stay present in the moment. "Goddess of Beauty. You are a wondrous being of light: there is nothing to change or fix." 

I wasn't for one moment tempted to wish I had a smaller bum or was better at wrapping my arms around my back or that I could do the splits. I wasn't bothered about what I looked like at all, I even forgot about the crusty impetigo on my face (Esme kindly shared with me...). This was a lovely soothing mantra to carry with me today. 

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I remember seeing these types of affirmations in the past and feeling a little embarrassed by how cheesey they seemed. As if you'd stand in the mirror and say these things to yourself! As if just saying something could really make things happen for you. Be serious! But actually, the more I've used affirmations lately, the more I'm growing to like them and the sense of calm they bring. It's like an anchor, something you've decided can hold you steady when everything around might niggle you otherwise. Perhaps they are also a way of holding space to allow things to manifest for you.

It seems there's even more power in creating your own affirmations to help with everyday situations that are challenging your inner calm, and to bring yourself good fortune. Another friend gave me the tip of being totally non-specific, so there's some flexibility about how your wishes might be fulfilled. I'll use my own recent example of uncertainty about where we might be living. It wouldn't be that helpful to say "We will sell our house and move to the house in the hills with the red door as soon as possible". The mantra I came up with in this instance was "The space our family needs to reach it's full potential will be there for us, when we are ready for it". 

By using the mantra I can allow the energy to flow to where it needs to be, I can stop myself getting carried away thinking about all the endless possibilities of what might happen by coming back to this simple phrase. It's a balsam for my overactive mind, an antidote to worry, a reminder to trust it will all work out: restorative, healing. It's got to be a good thing!

Anyway, if all that's too way out, how about a nice Balsam bath? I had one just now and it soothed my achey muscles...still not sure I'll be able to walk tomorrow though ;)

Balsam Bath Bag

Gather 2 handfuls of young pine needles. Put in a muslin bag (I actually used an old sock tonight) and (get a small child to) bruise with a wooden mallet or rolling pin. Run a hot bath and put the bag into the water.

Add essential oils of your choice- pine or eucalyptus would be good for achey muscles. Soak, relax!