The Amazing Adventures of Pottywoman

My heart sings

2011-10-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

I recently watched an amazing TED video of Steve Jobs. An incredible man.

I was really struck by what he says about using intuition, following your dreams and "joining up the dots". Essentially he was saying that if you trust your inner guidance and follow your heart, even if it seems like the "wrong" thing (to other people perhaps...) at the time, you will reap the rewards in the future. Only in the future will you be able to see that an action was entirely "right" and how that has contributed to your present. In Jobs' case, dropping out of college gave him the time and space to become fascinated with calligraphy, which subsequently influenced his whole approach to design and the typography that was used to develop the Mac, and every computer thereafter. He didn't know at the time how calligraphy would affect everything later on....but with hindsight he could join the dots, reinforcing his sense that he knew what he was doing all along.

I really need to work on the part of me that is full of regrets for not following my heart when I was younger. I think my inner guidance has always been pretty hot, but I've definitely failed when it comes to having the courage and strength to act by it. It would be interesting (for me) to try and think of some concrete examples of this, but I'm not going to bore you with this. Hehe.

It's difficult not to feel a sense of disappointment that I've wasted a lot of time over the years. I keep having these pangs of anger with myself that I am not accomplished in the ways I'd like to be because I didn't do what I really wanted to, and that (aside from Mothering) I haven't found my life's purpose. I was so afraid, bothered about what other people would think, the names I might be called, of "failure". It's so silly, what is failure anyway? I've failed more by not doing than I would have by doing. That's one thing that I see when I join my dots....

Since we moved I've been trying to slow right down and focus on my purpose. I have lots of interests and half developed hobbies, and in the past my energy has felt scattered, that's really bothered me. I've been consciously trying to find something that lights a real flame of passion and creativity in me, taking Wild Oat flower essence seems to be helping me to pin myself down a bit.

I've talked in the past about my love of swimming and yoga, and yet these things are more about finding peace, space and vital sustenance than about the surges of passion, purpose and creativity I've been desiring.

I was very pragmatic: I wrote a massive list of all the things I wanted to do/learn and then worked out which were my priorities, what I could do without help and what I needed to join a class or group for. And then I started singing again, with a bunch of fantastic women who are very very funny, super creative and extremely talented. Joining a singing group is making me realise and appreciate my talents. It's really helping me to move past this sense of regret that I haven't been singing and playing music all along. I still really wish I was Laura Marling, but maybe there's still time.... and even if I'm not Laura Marling, at least I'll be living life with more depth, purpose and joy.

The facebook status updates I never posted.....

2011-08-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering how on earth I will ever feel able to start blogging again after the passage of so much time. Moving has taken it's toll on our family in so many respects. Time to do anything much apart from eat, sleep and do what we need to do to keep going is more scarce than ever. Time for my own pursuits and creativity is proving one of the hardest things to claw back now the dust is settling.

In order that I can dive back in and start writing in the present tense, I feel the need for a brief catch up. To save everyone from my waffle I have been inspired to do this in the style of the facebook status update. I seem to have wasted many hours looking at facebook since I somewhat reluctantly reinstated my account, so it seems fitting to appropriate something that has stolen lots of my time for my own time and effort saving benefit!

So, here are the updates I could have posted from March 2011 to now.

Sarah:

is officially in residence at her Mother's, with fella, kids, dog and cat. How did this happen?
owns a house in a total state of chaos and disorder. And wonders how we will live there in the next few weeks.
is totally knackered
is absolutely filthy
is bewildered
feels so sorry for her poor children, with their world turned upside down
wonders if this is ever going to get easier
needs HELP!!!!
wants to go home
is completely skint
learnt a lot, albeit in a difficult and expensive way.
needs to value and trust herself more
wants her happy contented family back
really needs some space
forgives herself and others
is happy living in building site ;-)
How do I choose where to put my energy?
brimming with ideas, frustrated at lack of opportunities to create
Happy Birthday Joel
nervous and excited about weekend of Yoga with Matthew Sweeney
relaxed, peaceful and inspired
happy to see good friends
enjoying exploring countryside and art in Lancashire
I love Towneley Park. And my in-Laws.
Magnus can float! Weightless again.
nothing like the feeling of being known and understood
inherited a futon, thanks Elizabeth
carnival rush rush rush christening......
Happy Birthday Esme
a party, fishes out of water and new connections. It's all good.
another party, in our building site. And a snatched visit to the Boo.
Happy Birthday to me. We finally made it to Offshoots and I want to build a yurt now.
bankruptcy looming after trip to local health food store. At least he can pay his mortgage this month...
down behind the Backstreets down in Rawtenstall.....
building a dry stone wall, of course.
nervous anticipation, off to Mother Camp...no mobile phones, loads of hippy families....am I good enough?
What an amazing, inspiring, exciting time we had. Wish it wasn't over.
saved by the good folk of Altham Mill and needle felting. Longing to sing
Poor Esme: less than 24 hours after the joy of finding Baby Annabel for £3 in the charity shop, the disappointment that she cannot really drink water
live and let live eh?
off to Suffolk again, looking forward to some family time and a week with Great Granny.
wants to live in Walberswick, very at home in Suffolk.
angry at the people rioting, shame you can't nick a brain and a conscience.....
David Cameron, what an idiot
now I remember why I don't watch the news. The HORROR.
sluggish and feeling chubby after being force fed pudding and drinking loads of booze every day for a week.
misses Joel a lot.
needs a new kitchen
brimming with ideas, creativity and excitement
wants more family time
is grateful
is glad to see so much more of Liz Mutch these days.
beginning to play guitar, again
pleased to be back in the blogosphere

And there we are, up to date. ;-)

It will be worth it

2011-04-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

This is the mantra I'm clinging to at the moment.

We've been staying at my Mum's house for a month now, while we make our new house habitable. The idea was that we'd do it a bit at a time and live in it almost immediately- maybe just stay with Mum for a week or so to get it rewired. Anyway, the best laid plans and all that.....

Home Sweet Home...sort of

The wall of stone.

Our living room

Kitchen

the landing

The bathroom was one of the worst rooms.

Gypsy caravan style shower area. WHY?!

Master bedroom

Magnus' bedroom

Once we started ripping out all the crap it was hard to stop. And we decided that whilst we could live with bare walls, undecorated rooms, jobs that needed finishing, we could definitely NOT live with the amount of shite left behind. The poor house has suffered years and years of abuse and really needed liberating from the ten tons of crap we've taken out. Several enormous skips worth so far actually.... BUT we are now at a point where just about all the stuff to be taken out (bar the kitchen for now) is out. Whoooopeee!!!

As well as the demolition of the hideous feature fireplaces, several walls and quite a few bits of "fitted" furniture, we have completely rewired, rejigged the plumbing and installed a new boiler. We are now in the middle of putting in the new bathroom and reconfiguring the layout downstairs. We have 2 bedrooms more or less ready to decorate and I've been digging the garden, just because there isn't much else I can do while I'm watching the kids... and it'll soon be time to get the beans and peas in the ground ;-)

I won't even start talking about the emotional upheaval. We're doing ok under the circumstances but we are all really ready to move into our new home pretty soon. We can't settle at the moment, we need to put down roots before our first little shoots can start reaching for the light here.

I can't put into words how much I'm looking forward to the seeing this new view from our bedroom window in a week or two.

You can see the progress we're making on our project in all it's glory via Joel's photo album

Thoughts on yoga

2011-03-03T14:24:00.000-08:00

My wonderful yoga teacher Kirstin recently asked me for my thoughts on my yoga practice as a testimonial to try and entice potential new students. I wrote instinctively and fairly quickly for her to edit as required- I know my tendency to waffle!.... I'm quite pleased with what came out, so I thought I'd share it. I haven't navel gazed here for a little while ;-)

My yoga practice keeps me sane: it's my best friend and my teacher, a very reliable source of inner strength and energy. It doesn't matter what's happening in my life when I get on my mat and start breathing, everything else just melts away. It's so nourishing and enriching to my body and my soul, I don't know how I lived without it now.

Recently I've been feeling quite intoxicated by my practice. It's challenging in so many different ways and I constantly surprise myself with what I am doing. I love to surrender my expectations and test the boundaries of my physical and my mental stamina. My body is opening up, lighter and leaner than I thought possible. I find it much easier to stay calm and centred. I know that yoga has been the catalyst for some deep emotional healing for me, and I'm so grateful for the growth this practice has brought.

It's still less than a year since I resumed my practice after a 6 year break, I practised fairly regularly for 5 years or so prior to that. I'm so glad I found ashtanga yoga again, the reunion has been so good for me.

In the past I have sometimes lamented that I wish I'd never stopped practising. Recently I've been feeling fine about the break and just fabulous about the fact I've resumed. Right now is the first time I've managed to sustain regular (3-4 times + per week) practice, ever. It feels fantastic. Even if I had carried on practising for all the wilderness years when I was bumming about doing nothing much, I might not have had the insight I have now. It makes me realise how many lessons I've had over these "lost" years, even if the lessons weren't on my mat.

I love this meditation about the golden path, which sort of sums up what I'm trying to say: if you're on your path then it all feels good and it's the right place for you to be at that time. Sometimes the right place for you to get what you need isn't where you think you might need to be.

Speaking of the Golden Path, my brain finds it quite impossible not to think of this tune......

A moving experience (Part 1)

2011-02-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

It's all happening!... We're set to move house at the end of the month. Our home is half packed up and in a slight state of disarray. I'm a real home bird and love being snug and cosy, I'm trying to get used to the idea of home not being quite how I want it for a while.

I always wondered why people talk about moving as being high up "the list" of stressful events, I've moved house at least 6 times in the last 15 years or so since I flew the nest and it's always been fine. I suppose you have to be settled to be uprooted, and perhaps I've never really been that settled before. This is the first time I've moved from a home we've owned, and the first time we've moved since having children. I'm beginning to realise why it's stressful now though, which is not to say I'm feeling stressed (well, not consciously at least).

It's not really the practical issues of packing, moving, unpacking that are taxing, though I'm not denying the effort required in this. It's the intensity of emotions that get thrown up that are harder to cope with. It would be easy to begin to be overwhelmed and not really know how to deal with that. Some examples:

Editing possessions and sorting the past. I'm finding going through Esme's artwork particularly harrowing: I can't believe the children are growing up so fast. The feelings of grief and mourning I've had have surprised me in some respects as I'm also so happy to see them growing up.

The sense of somehow, gently, disconnecting from where you are, without losing precious friends and appreciation of the place that has been home. And hoping, hoping, hoping that the new connections you wish to create will be created, and be fruitful, fulfilling, fun!

It's also challenging to family relationships, bringing up potential conflicts with many important issues: money, equality and justice, co-operation, support, respect. A minefield when your resources are already depleted by all of the above!

I can't get my head into the people who seem to change their homes motivated by "investment" or just because they fancy a change. I don't want to do this again too soon, even though (fingers and toes and everything else crossed) it's seeming fairly smooth for us right now...

I'm more than a little nervous about making a new life somewhere quite different, even though that place is "home" for me. Bonkers. I'm also quite confident this is the right thing for us to do. It feels momentous, but I also have a sense I'll look back in a few years and wonder what I was making a big deal about!

Our family is ready for the space it needs to grow and reach it's fullest potential.

Presents and Furoshiki

2010-12-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

Lovely Jeanette posted this fab link which has inspired me to try something different with wrapping for the gifts we are giving this Christmas, I wanted to pass it on too...even though I'm not as organised as her and I haven't even finished making and buying all the gifts yet! I am certainly not organised enough to have wrapped any up, though I'm feeling encouraged to get on and do it now ;)

We are making lots of consumable things to give- edible treats and bath bombs, and the rest of the things we are giving tend to be practical or things that people have specifically requested. I can't bear the waste of buying for the sake of it, though it's easy to fall into that trap at this time of year....crazy.

I am looking forward to bringing Solstice into our celebrations more this year, as that really resonates with me more than the Christian festival ever has.

Hope you are all snuggled up warm and cosy wherever you are, and that you enjoy your celebrations!
Warmest winter wishes, love and light and blessings for 2011 to all
with much love Sarah xxx

Worry

2010-12-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm worrying about money. It's probably daft to do this but such a lot has gone out this month, and not on nice frivolities and the festive season: sadly it's more mundane costs that are draining our purse.

There's more than this though: I'm worrying that worrying might be trying to creep back into my habitual behaviour! I've been feeling quite relaxed and cool about things lately, and I've been doing well with embracing the spirit of abundance. "Love is money, money is love" and " there is enough". All that.... but actually, there isn't an abundance of hard cash here right now! Quite the opposite...we're really skint.

Also, our circumstances are really starting to change. I don't want to get into feeling anxious about life changes now, right at the beginning of the next bit of the journey. I need to go forward with the same sense of clarity and purpose I've been feeling, not turn to jelly the moment the going gets a little bit tougher. Seems it's that same old thing about life playing tricks on you, just when you think you're "getting" how it works everything changes again!...Here come some more lessons ;)

Anyway, I just opened the back door to let the dog out and there is a layer of snow over the garden. I love snow. I love the way it muffles and mutes the sounds of the city, how it illuminates the night with a clean light, tidies away the rubbish and hides the imperfections. It changes the way we see the world. And then it just goes, melts away into nothing and it's almost like it was never there. It's a good reminder of the importance of perspective and the impermanence of everything.

A kind friend remarked on a strategy for managing worry today. Ask yourself: "Will this matter in five years? Will you remember?" The chances are the financial details will be very different in five years, hopefully better. I can't think of anything I would really remember feeling anxious about, or be likely to still be worrying about in 5 years. This is good.

When I start thinking like this again, it's a bit like a blanket of snow falling over my rubbish heap!.I still need to sort out what's there and take it to the tip, but this buys me some time and for now it is as beautiful as everything else. With a sprinkle of snow I can appreciate my anxiety for what it is: part of my journey, a lesson....even if it hasn't melted away it's a bit better like this.

Releasing fears

2010-10-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

What people really want, if it doesn't sound too soppy, is to live their love. Every day! Eat things because they love them, share food because they love to be with people. Just live out of love, love for beauty, love for truth, love for children and animals. It is our nature to live expansively and generously, not cautiously and calculatingly. The opposite of love is fear, not hate.
-Jean Liedloff, Author of the Continuum Concept

This quote has been attached to the bottom of my emails until fairly recently, when I changed it on a whim. I love it all, but particularly the final sentence: "The opposite of love is fear, not hate".

Something that's cropping up a lot for me at the moment is how fear can really keep you in a place you aren't entirely happy. Half the time we don't recognise it for what it is or we dress it up in rationalisations and justifications. It's truly a wolf in sheep's clothing. No wonder so many people are miserable when they don't even know they're living in fear instead of "living their love".

I went to a fabulous yoga workshop with Danny Paradise last weekend (the post about this is still sitting in my drafts folder....). He talked about Ashtanga yoga being a practice that promotes deep emotional healing, and how the roots of depression are related to unfulfilled dreams and not following what your heart really wants to do. It was meaningful to me because I know I've ignored my heart's desire in the past. It's so easy to make excuses to yourself when you're terrified of being out of your comfort zone. At the time I probably wouldn't have seen that my reluctance to take a risk was fear, though it seems clear with hindsight. I obviously wasn't ready to do what I wanted to then, or I'd have done it!

About a month ago I was taken by surprise by my first really open/easy full backbend. My body suddenly seemed to yield to an asana it has so far disliked participating in! The backbend released some really powerful emotions. For a week or so after my heart was so open, and I felt overwhelmed by love of life, and the sensation of letting go.... I only realised it was fears that were dissolving after the inital wave of change happened. Funny how I didn't know fear was there for ages, and then I didn't know it was leaving.

I managed a very brief handstand against the wall today, dispelling a long held belief that "I can't do it" and "my legs are too heavy". It was exhilarating, I was so giddy! I realised the weight I felt in my legs was partly fear: the immediate physical fear of falling over, but also the fear of failing and not being good enough.

All the other lifting and lightening sensations I've been having recently in yoga are starting to make sense. I'm letting go of my fears in favour of living my love.

Begin with the end in mind

2010-10-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

I thought this was the first of Steven Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" but when I just checked it, the first is "Be proactive". I guess I must be being proactive already to be thinking about beginning with the end in mind!

Anyway, what I was going to say is that I am astounded how much easier it is to achieve something when you decide in advance what it is that you are going to do. Some recent examples of a few "new and improved " thought processes:

Eating- I want to exorcise my food demons, stop comfort eating and have an easy relationship with food
Before- eat until I decided I was full (never) at mealtimes, picking between meals, bingeing uncontrollably at any type of buffet meal or snack
Now- decide how much I am eating in advance and then stop! Review. Eat a bit more if I want to (I hardly ever do)

Yoga practice- I want to establish a regular daily yoga practice
Before- sporadic! 1hr class Saturday, maybe practice 1 hr Monday, nothing til next week, then do a class, 20 mins Wednesday, maybe the same on Thursday, sometimes no practice from one week to the next....
Now- any yoga is better than none, mat comes out when the kids go to bed and I aim to do a 45 min asana practice and take 10 min rest, daily. But I can be flexible about this, some days a little will be better than a lot.

Keeping my cool- I don't like raising my voice in anger
Before- bottle it in, grind my teeth, explode periodically
Now- self empathy, observations, feelings, needs, requests. Still explode periodically. This one is hard!
Hehehe.

I've found a subtle change in the specifics of my vision have a big impact on what I do. If I'm fuzzy it doesn't work. "I'll practice yoga for an hour" is much harder to stick to than " I'll do 5 Sun salutation A, 5 B, A series of 6 specific standing postures and 3 seated postures finishing at Marichyasana C, and then close" works much better. For me it's no good trying to run 'til I'm tired, or eating 'til I'm full because I'm too likely to stop at the "wrong" point! It's heartening that I can't be the only one this happens to, otherwise it wouldn't be on Steven Covey's list to do something different ;)

Change

2010-10-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

I've not written anything here for ages. I think I know why (apart from time being in short supply).

When I started writing less about EC, I hoped my blog would be filled with tales of our wonderful home learning activities, a diary of what we get up to together with a feast of photos and recipes and lots of other inspiring stuff: art, craft, sewing, poetry, music. Perhaps the odd bit of self discovery. But my musings have been very inner-self oriented lately, and I've been feeling slightly anxious that I might be hogging the limelight.

Of course, our family is doing all the cool things I hoped to document. We're learning together, having fun and eating lots of nice food and all that, struggling along sometimes but mostly all is as I would wish. I've been finding that I just don't feel that inspired to write about our day after I've spent all day "doing" it.

The things I do feel the need to write about right now are much more personal. Since I got back on my yoga mat this year I'm really feeling like a very different person. And actually, writing about the changes in my inner world seems far more useful and important to me. I feel a bit vulnerable and naked to think that people might actually read what I write. But that's also a motivational aspect of having a blog, I probably wouldn't just write in a notebook in the same way I do here. I think the benefit of reflecting on my journey and the soul work of artistic creation through writing is worth the risk of publicly exposing myself.

I'm going to stop feeling apologetic about documenting my navel gazing. I have to remind myself that you can choose not to read if I'm irritating, boring, self-absorbed.... Can you tell I'm still struggling with the pain of some past experiences here?! I am also going stop comparing myself and my blog to all the other talented bloggers and beautiful blogs out there.

I'm just going to carry on doing my best to be a better person and write about it from time to time.

And perhaps if I let go of my attachment to creating a beautiful diary, I might share some recipes and a few choice pics here and there too ;)

Poem

2010-10-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

A People Place

If this is not a place where tears are understood,
Where do I go to cry?

If this is not a place where my spirits can take wing,
Where do I go to fly?

If this is not a place where my questions can be asked,
Where do I go to seek?

If this is not a place where my feelings can be heard,
Where do I go to speak?

If this is not a place where you'll accept me as I am,
Where can I go to be?

If this is not a place where I can try to learn and grow,
Where can I just be me?

- William J Crockett

Autumn

2010-09-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

We've had a lot of rain and strong winds here. It's feeling very Autumnal. It's colder, damp in the air. I really realised the change of season had come when I noticed the leaves were dropping last weekend: there was a slow but steady stream of yellow and orange raining gently past the window as I stared out.

And yet there are still many fine days and moments of sun and warmth, and along with the rain that has brought some lovely rainbows. I'm always astonished by how uplifted I feel when I see a rainbow. The colour sequence is so perfect and mesmerising...not good when you're driving!

...taken through the windscreen....

I was particularly glad to see this one though. We were all having a tough journey home late in the day. I never thought I'd feel so moved thinking about the wonderful world we live in at Junction 21 on the M60, it's usually not a place of great beauty! But it brought us all back to centre when nothing else was working.

Feeling clear

2010-09-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

It's a good feeling, knowing how you feel. I'm enjoying getting really clear about a few things. Admittedly, a few rather BIG things. None of these feelings are new to me, in fact some are really old. There's no shock revelations happening here, but something's shifted in my clarity on these issues and the strength of my resolve to find and follow my path.

Home I am ready to go home to the hills.

Trust It will all work out ok. We'll end up where we're meant to be.

Weight
Lose- I'm tall. I carry it pretty well. Ah I'm ok..it doesn't matter...
Gain- I am really happy with me but I don't like carrying this little bit of extra person about. It's not that much but it's going. Forever.

Fitness I want to be strong and healthy. I want to learn to run. I want to chase the children until they're tired.

Spirituality There is space in my life for devotion but not for dogma. Find that space.

Money Look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves. An oldie but a goody!

Abundance There is enough. There will always be enough.

Generosity Trust in abundance, give. Be generous to myself, take when I need to.

Of course, knowing these things is SO easy.... moving towards living this all the time is harder, but I'm refusing to sabotage my happiness as I have so many times in the past. It really doesn't matter if I mess up, I need to just keep on keeping on.

The Hills

2010-09-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

We answered the call of this hills this weekend and took a walk near my Mum's. I've been to this place so many times, but not for a long while. It was great to return with the children.

Calf Hey Reservoir, Haslingden

Note that Esme is a dot in the distance. She was so excited to be in the hills she ran off ahead, we didn't see her for another couple of hours as she begged my Mum to walk with her over the hills and far away. Magnus' legs couldn't manage going "up bonk". He did surprisingly well walking the low route and on his scooter though....

and he's very much a big boy now in most other respects too.....no help required!

Esme and Mum finally descended from the hills. Mum said Esme had talked ALL the way and been ahead dragging her along.

We met some nice rescue donkeys and raided the allotments (with permission) for eggs for tea.

this one bit me!

a country girl at heart

A good day ;)

Balsam

2010-09-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm aching here. I went to a Jivamukti yoga workshop today, it was relatively short but quite different to what I normally do in Ashtanga yoga. It was really fun and challenging, and it's left me feeling excited and keen to get back into my practice groove, which has become a little erratic lately. I wish I could put an extra hour into the morning so I can fit it in there, I need some timetabled space for it, preferably not at 9pm!

I was a little worried about how I might be tempted to compare myself to all the slim and slinky hip young things at the class this morning, Jivamukti seems to be a pretty cool, rock'n'roll way to practice and I'm not really either of those things ;)

But I'd been playing with the angel cards a friend gave me this morning and I had a mantra that really helped me stay present in the moment. "Goddess of Beauty. You are a wondrous being of light: there is nothing to change or fix."

I wasn't for one moment tempted to wish I had a smaller bum or was better at wrapping my arms around my back or that I could do the splits. I wasn't bothered about what I looked like at all, I even forgot about the crusty impetigo on my face (Esme kindly shared with me...). This was a lovely soothing mantra to carry with me today.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I remember seeing these types of affirmations in the past and feeling a little embarrassed by how cheesey they seemed. As if you'd stand in the mirror and say these things to yourself! As if just saying something could really make things happen for you. Be serious! But actually, the more I've used affirmations lately, the more I'm growing to like them and the sense of calm they bring. It's like an anchor, something you've decided can hold you steady when everything around might niggle you otherwise. Perhaps they are also a way of holding space to allow things to manifest for you.

It seems there's even more power in creating your own affirmations to help with everyday situations that are challenging your inner calm, and to bring yourself good fortune. Another friend gave me the tip of being totally non-specific, so there's some flexibility about how your wishes might be fulfilled. I'll use my own recent example of uncertainty about where we might be living. It wouldn't be that helpful to say "We will sell our house and move to the house in the hills with the red door as soon as possible". The mantra I came up with in this instance was "The space our family needs to reach it's full potential will be there for us, when we are ready for it".

By using the mantra I can allow the energy to flow to where it needs to be, I can stop myself getting carried away thinking about all the endless possibilities of what might happen by coming back to this simple phrase. It's a balsam for my overactive mind, an antidote to worry, a reminder to trust it will all work out: restorative, healing. It's got to be a good thing!

Anyway, if all that's too way out, how about a nice Balsam bath? I had one just now and it soothed my achey muscles...still not sure I'll be able to walk tomorrow though ;)

Balsam Bath Bag

Gather 2 handfuls of young pine needles. Put in a muslin bag (I actually used an old sock tonight) and (get a small child to) bruise with a wooden mallet or rolling pin. Run a hot bath and put the bag into the water.

Add essential oils of your choice- pine or eucalyptus would be good for achey muscles. Soak, relax!

Limbo

2010-08-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

The "For Sale" board at the front of our house went up about a month ago. We've spent at least 6 months trying to get ready (ie not full of junk and filthy) to put it on the market, and for a good year or two before that we've been talking about leaving the City. But attaching the board to the front wall was still a really scary thing to do: announcing to our neighbourhood that we're hoping to move away, inviting complete strangers to come and scrutinise our home.

It felt, at first, like a test to be passed: trying to make our home measure up to what someone might want to buy. And then I kinda gave up on that and decided that whoever views it will either like it or not. I've put so much effort and energy into getting the house ready to try and sell it. It feels nicer to be here now because I'm keeping it really clean and tidy and a lot of stuff's in storage.

Since we had a big de-clutter at Easter it's stayed just as it is, bar the recent removal of my Sheila na gig from the hearth (potentially offensive says Joel...hehhe). We realised our first viewers were sat right opposite them... it would be fairly hard to ignore her and her rather excited male counterpart, I bet they had a giggle afterwards! Anyway, whoever comes gets to see the intimate details of our family life, and a chunk of my soul in physical form, I think. That still feels like a pretty big deal....though it's getting easier.

We love our home, and if it came to our "worst case scenario" of not being able to sell it, we'd be happy to stay here. It's not a bad worst case ;) We have a nice house, good friends, great proximity to tons of cool things to do with other home edders, lots of funky folks in the neighbourhood, a cool pub, a new Deli (finally)...the list goes on and on.

BUT something inside me has shifted. The doubts and anxieties I have about a going to a new area are bothering me much less. Joel too, I think. We've found a house we really like and the more we visit the better it feels, so now it's just a waiting game. Of course we have to carry on as normal and enjoy our lives here, despite the knowledge that there's somewhere else calling us. I'm trying not to be impatient, well aware it could take a long time to sell, but keen to get on with building our future.

It's not really a problem living in limbo, in fact, it feels good having more clarity about where we want to be. Hopefully that energy will move things along for us soon.

The Boo Birthday

2010-07-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

Five years and 1 week ago I had a 7 day old baby in my arms. Esme was, without doubt, the best birthday gift I could have ever wished for.

Well, last weekend it was my birthday (again) and I didn't get a baby this time, but I did have a really cool time with my beautiful family and lots of friends around me. It was pretty much perfect for me actually.

I did a yoga and meditation workshop on the Saturday morning with an old teacher I used to go to classes with a VERY long time ago. It was great to see him, hear his voice and to really feel how gentle his approach to life is. It was most affirming.

I had a slightly odd sense I was in a time warp as the workshop was held in the same school hall I used to mope along to for yoga twice a week when I was a student. It's funny how back then I really didn't appreciate how much time I had to practice, write, cook, go for a run, chat on the phone, and the list goes on.... When I think now what I could have achieved then IF I'd bothered to get off my backside....ugh. And now I'm squeezing my yoga practice and everything else I want to do into an hour or two in the evening. With age comes wisdom?... or was it the kids that gave me that insight here?! Anyway I digress....

On the Sunday (my birthday) we went to a Puppet Festival at the Boo, home of the Horse and Bamboo Theatre and saw some wonderful performances...

Hippochondriac .... a bit hit with Magnus who (after a long time plucking up courage) enjoyed tickling the hippo's nose with a feather duster tickling stick!

And Storm in a Teacup , which was just stunningly beautiful. I couldn't really imagine how this story was going to be presented, but it was fabulous- crafted so cleverly and creatively. It was so delightful; a really meaningful story, visually stunning, funny and engaging and with lovely music.We were all enthralled, and I was slightly shocked to be moved to tears at several points in the performance!

Afterwards we were allowed to meet the performers, explore the set, handle the puppets and masks and ask questions...

I wondered if this might demystify the magical feel of the show for the children but actually it served to add intrigue. The seamless performance, which had appeared to be very simple, was obviously planned with great precision and carefully choreographed. It gave the children a few insights into how they could start to create their own fantastic theatrical puppet masterpieces, they were still rapt!...

It was such a privilege to see this show and I am still moved inside when I think how much we all enjoyed it now.

I've been thinking of getting my children involved in some sort of "drama" but going to the Boo really clarified that for now I want them to be exposed to truly creative theatre, gentle storytelling and artistry rather than more show-y off-y theatre/ (poorly) regurgitated West End musicals or anything too heavyweight. It's fab we have the time and freedom to pursue this since Esme is not at school.

After the puppets we took over a big table for tea in a local cafe with my family and plenty of chums who had all debunked from Manchester up into the hills for the day.

I came home feeling very loved and very, very lucky. I'm so, so grateful for all this. Thank you everyone ;)

Anglesey

2010-07-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we were invited to go camping in Anglesey with some lovely folks, so we went. It sounds so simple but it took a whole 2 weeks of deliberation for us to decide to pack the car and go. We ended up making a snap decision, frantically packing up and driving into the evening on Friday. We pitched the tent with seconds to go before the light disappeared completely!

I'm so glad we went. It was such a beautiful place and we were extremely lucky to have a gloriously sunny day at the beach.

It was Esme's 5th Birthday, which felt almost as momentous as us hot-footing it out of the city. How can it be 5 years since she was born?! Esme was delighted to be around friends and running wild and free. Five is suiting her so far. My beautiful, thoughtful, happy little girl. I love her so much.

Magnus is asking to go camping again and keeps saying "beach...again....soon"

Even Bruce did lots he things he wouldn't normally....

....well, almost! He did sit in a different place!

We found loads of dead crabs, saw jellyfish in the sea and were all delighted when one of the Dads found this dogfish egg, you could see the baby fish's heart pulsing inside and it was moving about.

We shared food, the children, washing up, stories, thoughts, hopes, fears and even thermal underwear....hehe!
We had such a good time with wonderful people, it was so relaxing.

I feel a real shift for our family, a burgeoning sense of adventure and a new willingness to explore and grow together outside our comfort zones.

This is a good example I suppose...I'm putting pictures on my blog at last!... though I can't take any credit for these. They're all courtesy of Joel for now (thanks love). I'll need to work on expanding my comfort zone with photography ;)

Procrastinating

2010-05-26T15:13:00.000-07:00

I'm putting off writing some emails, distracting myself playing with wordle.net. again....
It's so cool. I entered my blog address and it came up with this .
Thought I would share ;)

Dynamic

2010-05-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Isn't that a great word?

Dynamic yoga: I'm still feeling pretty obsessed with yoga practice, and I'm doing ok with just fitting it in wherever I can....it must nearly be a habit now?! I knew I'd changed a lot but how I'm approaching yoga is showing me just how much my perspective and personality has expanded, how different I am. There's no struggle, I'm just really really happy to be enjoying it which makes it easier to practice and then I enjoy it and the positive circle goes on, or so I hope :)

Dynamic life: okay so life is always dynamic, ever-changing. But it feels like there's a lot of stuff in my life shifting at the moment. Constant physical activity, emotional change, progression, new ideas, lots of variations in intensity with all of the above. It's exciting....

My new aspiration is to start uploading my photos more regularly and actually blog about the things my family is doing.... lest I seem like I'm just (podgy) navel gazing all day!

I'm missing you Sue-Ann, hope all is well as can be, thinking of you down under and sending lots of love XXX

Esme: thoughts on Religion

2010-04-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

Esme has been really sweet the last week or so. Well, she's always sweet, but I do struggle with her sometimes and it's often too easy to dwell on the tricky times (and how hard I find them to handle).

We had a funny little conversation today in the car.

Esme: Eloise believes in Jesus.

Me: ummm, ok....

Esme: Why?

Me: She just does, it's what her Mummy and Daddy believe too. It's their religion, they're Christians. Christians are a group of people like the Seikhs and the Buddhists, they just believe different things. (We've visited a Gurdwara and the local Buddhist Centre quite recently)

Esme: Are we Christians?

Me: Well, not really.

Esme: Oh. Well, can I believe in Jesus?

Me: If you want to, it's up to you to decide what you believe. But you might like to learn a bit more about other religions before you decide. There's no hurry really....

Esme: What is your religion Mama?

Me: Well, I don't really have one. I suppose I might be closest to a Buddhist.

Esme: I think......I think I'm an Artist. Because I do lots of drawings and I like taking photographs. I take some really good ones, like the one of the water....

Me: Y'know what Es, you definitely are an artist.....

Classic ;-)

Reunion

2010-04-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

I went to my first ashtanga yoga class in a long time just over a week ago. It was like meeting an old friend and finding they haven't changed a bit, like we'd never been apart.

I was shocked by the "muscle memory", at how the fabric of my body could remember the postures, dynamic movements and the sensations of breathing and relaxation. I concentrated intensely on just breathing for over an hour for the first time in several years. This practice is often referred to as a form of moving meditation: during the class something inside me shifted, and by the end of the relaxation I was weeping. It was profound but also quite amusing. I really couldn't stop crying (and shaking...) for quite some time! I half-sobbed half-laughed to the teacher "thanks... that was really fantastic.... honestly..." ;-)

Yoga has seen me through some tough times in the past. It saved me from sinking deep into a pit of depression when I first started practising and for quite a few years I was pretty devoted to it. Bearing in mind that I don't have a great track record with commitment to anything, this was a BIG deal for me. My mat has travelled to the other side of the world with me on several occasions and is pretty well used....Yet since having the children I've not quite found the time to take a class or made space in my life to practice regularly at home. That first class was like when you suddenly realise you are desperately thirsty, and taking a sip of water. It was quite painful to realise how deprived I have been without this nurturing and revitalising practice.

I'm not naturally supple and my aerobic fitness is also pretty poor right now so I was anxious about returning to this demanding physical activity. But actually I'm getting my strength and flexibility back quickly, and my mind got right back into turning itself off and enjoying a lack of mental chatter. I'm also pleasantly surprised how determined I now feel to make this part of my everyday life. I really need it. It's funny how having so much less time to indulge in yoga is making me create chances to do it more, and with more focus. I strongly feel that my children need to see me take care of myself, and I really want them to have the expectation that their adult lives will include a certain amount of self-care, a regular habit or practice of something whether it's yoga, tai chi, running, music, chess, painting or tiddlywinks!....and an inner focus and connection with themselves. Spirituality.

I can see that I've been putting up a lot of mental blocks where yoga practice is concerned and I'm so glad I've started pulling the barriers down. No more excuses. Now, how long do they say it takes something to become a habit?!

This is David Swenson, an amazing, inspirational yogi. I'd say his habit is pretty well entrenched....

Namaste

Weight

2010-04-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

weight [weɪt]

1. a measure of the amount anything weighs

I'm not sure how I've done it but I'm as heavy as I was when I was just about to have M. I lost almost all the extra after he arrived, but somehow I've put it all back on again through mindless picking at food I don't really need, excessive consumption of delicious home-baked goodies and out of control portion sizes (of healthy wholefoods, but still...).

I also do next to no exercise other than running about after the children all day every day. This sounds like so many of the slimming stories I've read over the years. At least I seem to have plateaued, for now.... ;(

I carry it well, but this is a mixed blessing really as it's tempting to think "aw stop beating yourself up, you don't look too bad". But I feel wobbly and unfit, and I have a wardrobe full of clothes I can't get into so I have to fathom a way of slimming down a bit without dieting. I can't stand dieting and it doesn't work so I just need to be mindful of what goes in and expend some more energy. Not sure where that energy is going to come from yet....

2. an oppressive force the weight of cares

I'm really feeling my responsibilities. I know everybody has it hard, and we all have to do what we have to do to keep going and stay happy and healthy with it. But isn't it hard? Esme went off with a friend for a few hours last Friday, and Joel came home early so I cooked dinner without minding two children at the same time. It was so relaxing and easy just to do it with focussed attention on the task at hand. I realised how much stress I have all day every day just by virtue of being in the company of two children all the time. I am also making silly mistakes and being very forgetful because I am constantly doing 50 million things at once. I love being with the kids so much but I am so, so tired and finding it really hard to get back to feeling groovy. I think this has a lot to do with my comfort eating.

3. importance - the quality of being important and worthy of note

All this matters a lot to me.

I think I know what I have to do, I just have to do it!

Solarbeat

2010-03-31T13:51:00.000-07:00

Ah the Music of the Spheres. To me this brings thoughts of two things:

1. It's the title of Ian Brown's 2001 album. This man has God-like status in our household, even with wee Magnus... I'm almost a fan ;) I do like this album a lot though.

2. The Clangers. Esme loves this episode, the final ever made. Oliver Postgate also has near God-like status here.

Anyway, I've disgressed, all I really wanted to pass on was this link so you can hear this lovely music.
I think there's something really special about these sounds.

Competence

2010-03-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the way our culture seems to ascribe children really low levels of competence with some things and yet prematurely pushes them towards being grown up with others.

Last weekend we visited a park that was swarming with children and their carers. I've not been around a big bunch of local kids for a while. I suppose it was all pretty normal, but I what I saw made me think, as so often happens these days. Some examples. Huge (to my eyes) kids wearing nappies. By the climbing frame I could barely move for parents anxiously hovering, saying "be careful" to their massive offspring as they clung for dear life onto the equipment. One man was "helping" his daughter to climb a rope ladder by holding her two arms up in the air, so she was only using her legs... yeah, thanks for that Dad. Such low expectations of what the children would be capable of doing.

Now, I really appreciate that all children are different and that they all have their own way of developing and gaining skills. I also have my own experience that tells me that small people are really able to do a lot more than most folks seem to realise, particularly where physical development is concerned. Babies are born communicating their need to eliminate, if you're listening. Really young children can be frighteningly adept at climbing, but fearful hovering creates self doubt and will most likely result in a fall that perpetuates the parent's need to urge caution. As for over zealous hands-on help, how frustrating to be so stifled! It saddens me to think so many people aren't prepared to trust their child's sense of exploration and just be there to reassure and assist when they actually need them.

It strikes me that our culture is all for children developing independence when it suits the grown ups. Allowing children the freedom to become physically competent at their own speed develops their confidence, but it also makes life more difficult for us. It's not easy keeping an eye on a toddler climbing everywhere, and it can be really inconvenient having to stop and help a child go to the toilet whenever they need to.... It is unnerving to have a two year old whizz away from you at top speed on a balance bike. I'm not sure it's conscious but it seems to me that the result of not trusting children is a way of making our lives more straightforward.

The independence and competence we seem to strive for culturally so often compromises areas of development where it is more "normal" biologically to be dependent on another person. Perhaps I'm cynical but this also seems linked to giving parents an easier time of it. Like expecting children to sleep alone and through the night early on, not carrying or giving as much physical contact as children may need, not breastfeeding or nursing only until a certain age is reached, refusing to baby a "big" boy or girl by helping to feed or dress them....I'm sure there's more...

How back to front that we baby children at times when they don't need it and expect them to be grown up when they need to be babied. So much misplaced energy in this mad world. I'm not saying my energy doesn't ever go off in a wonky direction but at least I can see it ;)

Love Wisdom

2010-03-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm still in a pondering dreamy mood. I looked over my bookshelf tonight while the kids were in the bath with Joel and found a little book called "Love Wisdom" that i got free with a magazine many moons ago. It's one of those "ask a question and open the page" books and I'd forgotten I have it. It's surprisingly sage and always fun to flick through so I had a go.

I decided asked how my partnership would fare with the current feelings of turmoil and imminent change we are facing with our home situation. The book gave me pages on healing, sacrifice and meditation. How apt!

We are working through lots of things in our decision making process. As we move forward I can feel we're making progress with communication, particularly negotiating the practicalities of preparing to try and sell our house. Also, my attitude towards desiring a specific outcome is really different. I feel ok with whatever happens and I really am concentrating on doing what I need to do moment by moment. There is definitely part of me that feels like I have learnt some lessons and I'm starting to heal the old stuff.

I know that if and when we move, things are going to be tough with money, and time for each other. I am also aware I may have to compromise on my ideals for the greater good. In the long term we will gain by sacrificing things now.

And meditation, well there aren't many of us who wouldn't benefit for more quiet time and contemplation are there? I can see a lot of reasons why I would benefit from more meditative activity and I'm starting right now with this one!

Que Sera Sera....

2010-03-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I'm coming or going these days... so much is happening.

We're thinking quite seriously about moving out of the city. It's a little daunting as it will mean quite a big change of pace and way of life. We have good friends and an active and supportive home education community in Manchester, and I am very involved in a very exciting project to do with learning that is very much rooted in being here. When I write down that I wonder why I want to move out.....

I've been resisting the pull of the green Valleys to the North where I grew up for a long time but it's still there and it's getting stronger, if anything. We feel that we will all be too comfortable in our Urban ways if we leave it much longer to move. It's cheaper up there, we can get a bigger house, a garden, be closer to my family, it's still close to Manchester...not the end of the earth at all really. But Joel will have a long commute to work (at least in the short term) so we'd see him even less than we already do, we will be more reliant on the car, there is not a local home educating community as far as I can tell, no ethical wholefood co-op, no fabulous corner shop. I don't know. It's a hard call...

Here is a not very good picture of my beautiful children at our wonderful corner shop, just because I never put any pictures on my boring text heavy page!

Anyway, add this to all the other "small"(!) stuff: managing home learning and meeting the children's needs, what to cook, housework, my LLL leadership application, my various on the go projects...crochet, several riveting and enlightening books, my filing pile, sewing and mending, making the house more liveable (and therefore more saleable!), the garden, the pets...even just checking my email, never mind responding....

SO many things are buzzing about in my head, it's all a bit dizzying, and I am really tired out with both the depth of emotion and physicality of my everyday life. But I feel a real difference to how this feels compared to previous times when I've had lots of thoughts to sort out.

I think it's attachment. I am really trying not to get stuck on wanting any particular thing, just trusting that the right path will come along and we'll know when to choose it. Doing what I can when I can, managing my time, being responsible. It feels good to have lots going on but no anxiety attached to the outcomes. All the energy I would've wasted procrastinating and worrying once upon a time will be much better spent looking after me so that I'm strong enough to do what needs to be done.

I'm expectant, excited, hopeful, ready to go forward in whatever way we need to.

Enough rambling. Bed ;)

Kindness

2010-03-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

I think I've said this before, but it's pertinent so I'll say it again! When I was a Mother of one I thought, probably quite rightly, that I was doing a really good job. It was only when Magnus was born, and my physical and emotional resources became more compromised, that I began to realise quite how much energy and creativity I had been putting into parenting Esme. She is wonderfully spirited, intense, interesting. And very hard work! Things were level and balanced back then because I was putting such a lot into maintaining that equilibrium.

I never thought I had unending reserves of patience and I've been proving myself right about that recently. It's nearly two years since Magnus arrived, and balance still hasn't been restored in my relationship with my first born. It seems I just can't do enough to make this situation right for Esme. I've been feeling immense pressure to try and find more more more to give her, wondering if anything will EVER be enough to sort this out. Lately I've been feeling doubtful and unbelievably negative about my capacity to mother my children, and it's a horrible feeling. If I can't muster what is needed to make everything good then who can?...and who else would want to?

It's not helpful for me to get caught up in what Esme's doing, because judging her and myself makes it feel even worse. I'm trying to look beyond the behaviour, but the only concrete reason I can find for her being unsettled and angry is that she would just rather not have a little brother to share her Mama with. What can I do about that?!

My fridge is covered in laminated NVC lists, and when I think of my struggle with mothering Esme, and then look down the list of needs through her eyes it brings tears to my eyes. She aches to be with me, longs for affection, deep connection, to be nurtured. It's helpful to realise that I must keep making the effort to validate her feelings and find more ways to help satisfy her needs.

I have, so far, resisted "traditional" approaches to discipline. I'm sure quite a few people would say my alternative has been somewhat lacking in substance, but pooh to them. I don't want to push a vulnerable, highly sensitive little girl who is feeling sad, and perhaps even unloved, further away from me.

It's been so frustrating and exhausting, pouring all my energy into this seemingly bottomless pit. But the last week or so I think I may see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. After churning this over and over many times (with lots of different friends- thank you all!) I think I may have figured out that....

I am, actually, doing about as much as I can! TAH-DAAAAAAAAAAH! Good eh?!

I reckon the only thing I can really do differently is be kinder to myself. We have some issues to settle with the boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour, and how to communicate this with Esme-that's another post. But perhaps in being kinder to myself in every moment, especially the heated ones, I am finding more strength, energy and resourcefulness to deal with the challenges my dear daughter presents me. And perhaps that's why I feel a little better about all this.

If I can parent with more kindness and generosity of spirit (which, if I'm honest, has probably been lacking) then surely I can draw her back towards me, and the dust may finally begin to settle.

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.
Dalai Lama

The body remembers

2010-02-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to resume writing here for days, but stalling on what to write, even though I have a list of posts to add that's getting very long indeed.

Anyway, today I'm blogging about swimming.

When I was little I wasn't allowed to swim underwater for what felt like a long time, because I had grommets fitted to try and cure the chronic glue ear that meant I suffered dreadfully, repeatedly with perforated eardrums. When I could finally go swimming without earplugs and worrying about being ducked, I made up for lost time, learnt fast and spent many happy hours floating around our local pool.

I remember my Nana taking us to the baths as kids, and I'd catch her looking frantically, anxiously around for me. It must've been like watching a Grebe diving down and popping up in random places- I was swimming underwater, lost to the world. I can empathise with poor bewildered Nana now, with my experience of taking two children swimming: she was terrified because she needed to keep us safe. Then, I laughed at her concern. I was fine. More than fine because I was, quite literally, in my element.

Fast forward a few years and I swam at least 3 or 4 times every week, sometimes more. I helped in the water with the little ones just starting to learn to swim. I got all my badges, trained with the swimming club, raced in Galas, won trophies. I also went swimming just to fart about and dive for my locker key and jump in, do somersaults and float. Looking back, I loved it. But for some reason when I hit my teens, I stopped. Just like that. And it has taken until now for me to get back to it, to remember just how much I love it and how happy it makes me to be in the water.

Each time I swim I feel different. Some days it's like I'm dragging a concrete block through a pool full of porridge. Other days, like today, it's simple- I AM a porpoise! It's such a buzz to be able to do just a tiny bit more each time. My body remembers how good it feels in every cell of my being.

Swimming has become a form of yoga for me: I'm in the moment, focused on my breathing, mindful of the sensations throughout my body as I attempt to fine tune every dynamic movement my body makes. My body and mind is unified. It is a wonderful release. I'd forgotten about it, and rediscovering my passion is something I am feeling intensely excited about, and grateful for right now.

NVC Giveaway

2010-01-22T02:07:00.000-08:00

NVC has been in my thoughts, and more importantly in my attempts to communicate compassionately, a lot recently.

Annie has a fantastic NVC book giveaway on her wonderful blog, but be quick!- the closing date for comments to enter the draw is 25th Jan. To be honest, if you miss the giveaway, her blog is a real gift in itself. Enjoy ;)

Coming soon

2010-01-22T01:51:00.000-08:00

I struggled to drop off to sleep last night, my mind was whirring. I couldn't help turning things (all sorts of things) over and over in my head, and all the posts I want to write here kept popping up here and there amongst my other random thoughts.

I need an evening to gather my thoughts and make some serious lists. Not to mention sorting my photos and filing. I've been ignoring just about everything extra (on top of day to day life) I've needed to do. Now I'm not quite sure where to start! You could call this procrastination, but to a degree it's also been self preservation, as I am still feeling exhausted and slow, that midwinter feeling's still with me.

I do feel my energy returning. I'm getting ready to put out some small blooms like the pretty snowdrops here.Watch this space!.....

Too busy

2009-12-05T02:44:00.000-08:00

Busy people are commonly referred to as "juggling" the many different facets of their lives. Personally I prefer to think of plate spinning: I realise one area is being neglected and about to fall and have to go and give it a wiggle to get it going again. It's a challenge to keep them all spinning but it doesn't matter if some are going faster than others.

At the moment, I have too many plates! I just can't keep up. I'm going to consciously let this blog's plate drop to the ground for a few weeks so I can concentrate on everything else....sewing and doll making, making and gathering a few gifts for a (very scaled down) Christmas, de-cluttering (still...) and decorating the house, seeking information about moving, LLL, restoring my coffee tables, kindergarten stuff... tons to do. I'm trying to finish off lots of old projects before loads of new things kick in.

Right now I feel like even hoping to blog about life is just another thing on my frighteningly long task list.... but I'm really looking forward to sharing what we've been up to when things calm down a bit ;)

E-petition

2009-11-24T13:21:00.001-08:00

The UK Government is trying to rush through a new Bill which will fundamentally change the role of the state in family life. It is contrary to European Human Rights Law and UK Law, and will put a size 13 foot in the door to having compulsory CRB checks and monitoring of parents.

So many people I've spoken to have been supportive of the principle of Home Education, and almost awed by the degree of energy and dedication required to home educate. The energy I have for my children is being sapped by worrying about these proposed reforms, and desperately trying to understand the political process which might be the best way of showing disagreement with the bill.

This e-petition will send a clear message to the government. It's so quick and easy to sign. Please, please...everyone who is eligible to sign, please do....and let me concentrate on setting up the Kindergarten and educating our children ;)

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Home-ed-families/

Crazy Esme

2009-11-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

Here is a selection of some of the totally bonkers names Esme has assigned her playmobil people/fairies over the last week or so:

Celery
Eddie (for a tiny wee playmobil dolly- don't really know why I found this funny, but I did. sorry to anyone called Eddie)
(L)Asagne
Coconut
Sylvan-la
and, most bizarrely "sins of the sons". What??!

I loved hearing her compare her flat Northern vowel sounds with a friend who speaks "proper".

E: Uh
Z: Ah. ah...uh. You sound perfect saying "uh"
E: Uh...heheheh.

Just gorgeous.

There were tears at bedtime tonight, prompted by the book of Watership Down. Followed by many questions about the nature of mortality, reincarnation and where the first man came from. Just the exercise my tired brain needed at the end of a long day ;) cor I love her so much....

All cluttered up

2009-11-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

I've been de-cluttering since we moved into our home almost four years ago. I am doing really well, when I think about how it was. I must have got rid of at least two or three (full) rooms worth of "stuff". It is still something I always have to count as a job on my "to do" list, and I am getting sick of it now. I just want life to be sorted and tidy! I'm really, really looking forward to the day when I just have a "for the charity shop" basket in a corner somewhere. It'll be the only place there are things that no longer need to belong to us.

I don't really understand how I came to be in such a pickle with all this. I don't "collect" for the sake of it, or even to have a collection of something. Paper is my weakness I suppose. I save things- articles, pictures- that are inspirational, precious, informative. Oh, and there's my fabric stash ;-S Other than that I've really moved away from my old mindset where I'd keep things "just in case". I can chuck out just about anything now. In fact, I'm coming close to throwing away even the things I really value. Having stuff lying around is just reminding me how little time I have to do all the things I want to do with my inspiration, creativity and knowledge. It's irritating me. Aside from that, I really want to foster a sense of responsibility towards having (less) things in my children. I am striving to model this now.

I am all too aware that we need barely any of the things we have for the children. Though I am really so glad I have managed to completely avoid flashing battery eating tat, we still have more plastic (albeit vintage Fisher Price and Playmobil) than I would like. I would be perfectly happy to get rid of about 80% of the stuff they have. I have recently culled a lot of our soft toy population (ugh...why do even they make these things?), puzzles and Esme's "special things" by stealth. It was underhand, I fear. I now feel I'm stuck at a point where I can't really "magic away" too much more without discussing it with Es, and that's where I get stuck because she flat refuses to part with anything. I feel terrible stealing the things she has. She has the memory of an elephant and still asks where cuddly toys she was given as a baby are. I don't like to encourage clinging to stuff, but I can't completely disregard her. What to do?

All I know is that I feel nervous, as Christmas approaches, about the influx of more things that will have to be kept somewhere....we have so little space even for things that are practical or beautiful. I have tried to ask for only useful things, things we need, money towards experiences, less, or even no gifts. How nice it would be for everyone to have a Buy Nothing Christmas .

I also feel really nervous at the prospect of moving house, which will hopefully happen sometime in the next year or so. I just can't do another four years of making somewhere into a home. Hopefully all my hard work here will pay off and our moving boxes will just be full of bare necessities and love.

Pumpkin madness

2009-11-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

We don't really "do" halloween that much here, but there has been a distinct shift towards celebration this year, with the accompanying hustle and bustle you might expect in the kitchen.

I chanced upon an episode of Jamie at home last week. After cooking a few Jamie recipes from Annie's blog recently (sweet and sour squash, sticky carrots), I was keen to watch, it's been ages since I saw him in action. I settled for the "pumpkins and squashes" programme. I'm glad I did, my corner shop had some fine specimens in stock...

I've always liked these beauties...good to eat in so many different ways. Jamie says just to cook the skin. Cool. I'm not sure if this is old hat and everyone else knows this already, but it was news to me and I was very excited! So, I went and got my pumpkin and started with some really easy and absolutely delicious muffins.

Now this is my first foray into blogging about food so forgive me if it's all a bit clunky and messy and my pics aren't great.

Pumpkin Muffins

400g squash or pumpkin, skin on
250g light soft brown sugar (Jamie used 400g but I couldn't bring myself to use that much...)
4 eggs
pinch salt
300g plain flour (I used wholemeal)
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
handful of walnuts
175ml oil

Whizz up the squash or pumpkin as finely as possible in the food processor, add all the other ingredients, whizz up again. Fill the muffin tins 3/4 full, bake at 180c for 20 min, until brown. Leave to cool in tins for a few minutes and turn out. Mmmmmmmm! This makes 24 muffins, be warned you may want to eat that many...

Actually these were so good, I baked several batches to sell for charity at Esme's riding school, and to give to friends.

Then i decided to make some soup to take to a friend's Halloween party. Again, very easy but really tasty.

Pumpkin Soup

3kg pumpkin, skin on, cut into wedges
2 carrots, sliced roughly
few cloves garlic
red onion- 1 or 2
fresh rosemary
2 sticks celery
2 litres stock
olive oil

Heat olive oil in a big pan (this makes a lot of soup), add onion, celery....then carrots, garlic, rosemary, salt and pepper. Chuck in the pumpkin. Sweat it for a bit then add stock and simmer for about 45 min until the pumpkin is absolutely obliterated. (About 6 minutes in a pressure cooker. Guess what's on my Christmas list!)

Blend it with a hand blender............

This bit was tricky for me as I managed to blow up my hand blender some time ago ;)

We enjoyed this with cheesy croutons

Fry some sage leave in hot olive oil to infuse it, then remove the sage. Dip some crispy/slightly hard bread in the oil, then grate cheese over it and pat into the bread on both sides. Fry in a dry pan for about 1 min on each side.

I still have the enormous pumpkin (pictured) left over so I'm going to make some more muffins, the sweet and sour dish from Annie and some more soup to freeze. I also fancy having a go at this ...but I still have all those pears from Jodrell Bank waiting to be made into chutney, and looking at that picture, I really need to scrub the grout....blush ;/

Anyway, thanks Jamie Oliver. After a looooooong break from watching TV I am going to be tuning into you more often.

And we had a great time at the party, with friends we haven't seen for ages. It was really good to reconnect. I miss you guys.

Scarcity/Abundance

2009-10-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

This past week has been both terrifying and enriching.

We've always been pretty dreadful managing money, but I've really pulled my socks up over the summer and we're now super organised. In theory. However, this month has been a disaster beyond my imagination!...worse than when we tended towards gambling each month, wondering if we'd have enough.

Anyhow, miraculously, we seem to have managed to get by this last week with about £10 for food. I've been using stuff in the freezer and more store cupboard staples than I knew I had, but we've also not been short of fresh food. I find it quite remarkable that we haven't really gone short, in fact, we've eaten really well and it's not felt like we were scrimping and saving at all.

Obviously it's not sustainable! We are now really low on stocks of everything and it was only due to my stockpiling of washing powder and other expensive items that we managed in that respect. But it is heartening to realise that we can probably manage with less than we're used to, as yet another round of belt tightening needs to happen now.....

In sharp contrast to the scarcity of hard cash, we have been overwhelmed with generosity and an abundance of love from a really beautiful friend with a desire to share and give to us in a time when we needed support. This week could have been really stressful and unpleasant for us, but we were blessed with more than money could ever buy and it's really helped keep things in perspective. Thanks so much for everything Sue-Ann, I'm so grateful for your friendship. xx

We went to Jodrell Bank today, (just) to the arboretum. There's so much to see there. It was a repeat trip for us, we visited in the Summer and vowed to go every season to see the changes.

The autumn leaves were magnificent, and there was some interesting fungi about. The girls had a fabulous time climbing trees and pretending to be birds, with ferns for wings, and later, tails.

We had a picnic in the bird hide and just enjoyed being outdoors, it was incredibly mild.

Nature also gave us a treat today, an abundance of pears. We literally stumbled on them...all over the floor. They looked hard and not that appetising but the first bite gave a surprise- they were so soft, sweet and delicious with a fantastic texture. We brought a bagful home, very happy ;)

Tensions

2009-10-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

We're still in a time of big changes here, and there are many weird contradictions playing out in my life at the moment.

I'm really interested in the funny mixture of situations and states I'm finding myself in... exhausted/energised, motivated/lethargic, optimist/pessimist, joyous/terrified, clarity/confusion, euphoric/blue.......all these stresses and strains, forces at work. The bizarre physics of my inner life, too much to write about in one post!

I'm trying to be Buddhist about all this, and just notice these things in the moment and not get "stuck". I'm not finding this so hard as I'm a pretty intense person, and something usually comes along that can move me into a different place, be it for better or worse. I find my intensity an unsettling quality at the best of times....again, that's another post.

Despite all this turmoil I'm feeling pretty content, so I guess I must be getting better at letting go of my attachments. ;)

The Badman and the Balls up

2009-10-12T12:47:00.000-07:00

The consultation on the Badman Review of Home Education is still running until 19th October. As all the questions are leading ones, beginning "Do you agree.." all you have to do is say NO to all 11 if you don't feel up to commenting or ranting. Please add your voice and help Home Edders stay free!

Complete online at www.dcsf.gov.uk/consultations or download a response form and email it to
homeeducation.consultation@dcsf.gsi.gov.uk Children can complete one each.

I attended a meeting last week with the Deputy Director of the Dept for Children Schools and Families, and I feel more worried about all this now than I did reading it all on paper...

The times they are a'changin'....

2009-10-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

Busy busy busy here: we've started our first forays into home education. Most of Esme's friends disappeared off to school at the start of September so we have been out and about getting into a new autonomous learning groove. I'm sometimes slightly resistant to change, but this transition is bringing a lot of excitement, fun and growth for us all. It's cool, as well as being unnerving and a bit scary for me at times.... The kids are loving it!

We had always considered home education as an option but it's still far from a mainstream choice here and it's tricky to go against the flow with something as "big" as education. Everyone seems to have an opinion about it, and their views are stronger when it concerns alternatives to conventional schooling. For most folks it seems to be a step too far along the continuum of "weird". Far "worse" than a baby peeing and pooing in a pot...hehe ;)

As the time for Esme to go to school was looming closer the (very good) Community Primary School here was looking fairly attractive, an easy option if I'm honest. Despite being less than half a mile from all the schools we applied to there were no places locally, all schools are oversubscribed and have massive waiting lists. A gross failure on the part of our Local Education Authority. The school we were eventually offered was a 2 hour round trip walking from our home, and it was only an OK school. Plus it was still a school, which was always something questionable in our minds. So our hand was forced really. I'm pleased it's worked out this way for now, I'm not sure we would've had the balls to try home education if a "decent" school place had been offered.

".....And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

It's feeling like all this is a definite move away from the baby stage of my children's lives. They really aren't babies any more. This new phase is making us branch out into a new community and become part of other groups away from our established "tribe"....who we found through La Leche League. Our snuggly, cosy babywearing days are feeling distant, toddler-lugging is a more accurate description of me carrying Magnus now. Breastfeeding in public can be hair raising as my shirt gets lifted and my little gymnast writhes at the nipple. ECing seems to have become potty trained. Just like that.

We are still ECing but it's so normal, so much part of life, and so similar now to completely potty trained that I can't really think of things to write about it now without it seeming slightly absurd.

I am so pleased to be meeting people who are aware of and interested in EC, and new ECers with tiny babies. It really does seem to be a growing trend. I feel so privileged to be able to talk about my experiences with people who get what it's all about. I love spreading the word generally, but there's something super satisfying about being really understood and being a guide.

So, a while back I said I was thinking about blogging on a more general theme, and I think the time has come for this to happen. Watch this space!......

Save the Mother Magazine

2009-09-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

I am devastated to hear that the Mother Magazine is to go out of print on Monday, due to low subscription rates.

It's such an inspirational read, it's a joy to receive every time it plops onto the doormat. There might still be time to save it if people susbscribe now.

www.themothermagazine.co.uk

poco a poco

2009-09-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

Well, my world did stop. In fact I sort of stopped it myself... I've been floored by a series of illnesses and minor ailments that have really made me take stock of how I have been living and the pressure I've been putting on myself. My body, it seems, is far more intelligent than my conscious mind. It'd had enough of me flogging it day after day and made me rest before I collapsed, or imploded, or something!

Over the last 6 weeks I've had a total spasm of my jaw- caused by night time tooth grinding or bruxism, a nasty lethargy "bug" thing, followed by sensitised nerves in my face and HORRIFIC moan and wince inducing toothache, also linked to tooth grinding. I'd go so far as to say it was the worst pain I've ever known, and I'm no wuss. This was followed by another dreadful cold/flu mucous fest and a general overwhelming sense of malaise. Now, I'm well aware it could be so, so much worse, but it's not been the greatest couple of months of my life....

I've been reflecting a lot about my sudden physical decline, and where I'm at generally. I've come to the conclusion that it's all mind over matter, and my mind was too darn strong. Despite me *thinking* I've been fairly relaxed and easy going I've actually been really stressed out and running on adrenaline for the last goodness knows how long, probably since Mags was born. I can see now that there have been a loads of stressful events piling up to trigger this physical anxiety. I saw an osteopath to deal with the acute jaw spasm who said "your whole system is very low, I'll give you a really deep treatment next time". Until then in my head I was completely robust, healthy and strong. In many ways I'm really grateful that she kicked that thought out of my head, or I'd have ended up really conking out sooner or later. I really hope I can find a spare £30 to go back for the follow up treatment soon ;(

Emotionally, I can also see that my confidence has taken a bit of a knock since M was born. Again, I hadn't really thought about it but now I look back I can see that despite being uber-assured in the ways I wanted to mother the new baby, I was, and still am in many respects, unsure of how to operate with the big one. My lack of corporeal zest since Magnus' arrival has undermined all the little "systems" I had going with Esme. I was never really aware of how much energy it took for things to be easy with her before M was born, which I suppose, is the same thing as not recognising what a bloomin good job I was doing. Typical.

Anyway, all these ruminations aside, things are getting better little by little. I am still absolutely knackered and recovering, and it doesn't take much for my internal alarm to register that I need to slow down at the moment. I can feel my strength, energy and confidence returning and I guess I just need to keep a lid on it and stop myself burning out again.

It's actually quite funny looking at my previous posts in the context of what I've just written. I can't believe I couldn't see this coming.....

Chasing my tail...help me stop the World?!

2009-06-30T15:02:00.001-07:00

I've got to get this little soap box rant out of my system, it's been weighing me down for weeks.

"Do what you've got to do...then do what you want to do". One of the good 'ol refrains I remember ringing out in our house when I was younger. (Hi Dad!) In the past I was a dreadful procrastinator and would pretty much always do exactly the reverse of what I was told. This meant I never did much but what I felt like. Ha, to think of it now! I've grown up a bit and realised recently that I've been inadvertently following Pops' sage advice.

These days I get a great deal of pleasure just doing the things that need doing. The main tasks I refer to are related to food (buying, preparing, cleaning up the mealtime debris!) and housework (washing, more washing, washing again, tidying up). However satisfying I find the act of "doing", the sticking point for me seems to be that if I ALWAYS do what I "have" to do, I would very rarely get to the stuff I want to do. Sometimes I just have to let some things (that should probably be done) slip, otherwise my sanity would really suffer.

The housework I do is pretty much the bare minimum I feel I can get away with, I must stress I am NOT ironing tea towels and knickers, or anything else for that matter. I would actually love to have more time to be able to be a "better" housekeeper, scrubbing my doorstep daily and washing windows week in week out. But even now, just scratching the surface of what my inner flylady would love to tick off the task list, I struggle to keep up. When I add the demands of my (very demanding) children to this, I begin to see why for weeks now I have had very little time to myself to.....ummmm....write here and do all the other things I'd like to do be doing. Things like yoga, sewing, my little art projects, tinkling at the piano, reading...it's a long list.

Marshall Rosenberg talks about re-phrasing the way we think about things we find unpleasant in terms of choice. So, instead of thinking "ugh....now I have to clean the kitchen" , I would think more along the lines of "I really want to do some yoga right now but the kitchen is a bomb site and I really need it to be clean in the morning so I can prepare breakfast peacefully and with ease, so now I am choosing to clean the kitchen".

For me, thinking in terms of choices like this does make it easier to accept the elements of repetition and drudgery in my life. It also validates me if I decide to choose NOT to do the tasks at hand. But it's also just an intellectual distinction! It doesn't change the fact my family needs feeding, or that there is crap everywhere and someone at some time, usually me, will have to sort it out. I can't compromise my standards when it comes to fresh, nutritious food, and I'm not prepared to walk about in stinky dirty clothes.....how could I? So is there really a choice? Unfortunately thinking differently doesn't magic up home help or make extra hours in the day.

So, I'm mostly doing what I have to do (happily), but I need a way of finding more time for things I'd really like to do. Any ideas?

Alles gut....an update

2009-06-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, to my surprise Magnus sat himself on the potty today and did a wee. All by himself, at just under 15 months old. How cool is that?!

We've been in a good groove with EC for a while now. M obviously recognises the feeling of needing a wee and often performs a Jackson-esque crotch grab to show he's ready. He will also grunt "uh uh uh uh", especially if there's a bit more than just a wee on the way. He'll come to me and grab my legs making this noise to let me know he wants to go. I find it very sweet. Sometimes I am too distracted to "hear" him, for example if I'm cooking or engrossed in a conversation. He gets really cross with me, and I have a sense that I don't know what he wants. If I then miss a wee, I feel sorry that I wasn't tuned in and connected, when he was asking quite clearly. A good reminder to stay in the moment.

Still, he's been wearing his little pants or a cloth nappy with no outer and the washing pile is gratifyingly small, in the wet nappy/knickers and trouser department at least. Yay. I have to tote the proper potty with me though as he refuses the big toilet, being held over a bush/grate etc, unless he's really desperate. The little bowl is definitely retired. Night times are almost always dry. I usually catch a wee a few hours after he goes to bed and then he's dry 'til morning. I should probably say "'til we get up" as we have a very loose definition of morning in our house at the moment.

So, this will test my theory anyway. Speak about the good stuff and it all goes pear-shaped? We'll see. I wish it happened the other way round. Then I could moan about all my (fairly trivial) woes and they'd vanish into thin air for a while at least.

By the way, my leg is OK. The stitches didn't work so I still have the big gaping hole, but it does seem to be knitting back together slowly, from the bone up. I am pretty pleased to have honey dressings on it to keep it nice and moist, which really seem to be helping. I am a bit sick of having a plaster on my leg now though. It's not really an attractive accessory for Summer, although that seems to be over now so I'll just put my jeans back on ;)

Mamayoga

2009-05-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

I have just seen this lovely article on the yoga of motherhood, and I really wanted to share it. It sits really well with me, and who and "where" i want to be.

So much to do,
so much else to do.
What is important?
Let go.
Not enough sleep,
no time for you.
Surrender.
Lose yourself.
Can you slip into the current and
let yourself flow?

from Mamayoga: Yoga for the First Six Weeks of Mothering—and Beyond

By Kathleen Wiebe

On the mend, on (the) edge

2009-05-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for the healing vibes ;)

My leg is doing OK, I think. I had the stitches out on Friday and it was mostly knitted together except for one bit where the hole was deepest. The nurse put on a wet dressing, which somewhat alarmingly, seems to have enlarged the gaping-ness of it.... Fingers crossed this is the right thing to be happening!

So, my recent brush with my blood, fat, skin and bone, and a degree of incapacity and pain, has really tuned me in to how fragile life is. And how a split second in time can change everything, for better or worse.

It's also changed the way I am dealing with the kids, in terms of risk and danger. Usually I leave 'em to it and deal with the (rare) accidents as they happen. People often comment how confident the children are when climbing, cycling, swimming and generally doing potentially injurious things. I usually feel it's because we' re not from the "Be careful!" school of thought. I want to foster confidence in them and allow them to trust their own judgement about their limits, I don't want to squash their sense of competence and adventure by constantly reminding them they might hurt themselves.

Since falling, I have found myself feeling a lot more cautious and anxious about the children's safety. I've not been verbal about this with them. But I have found myself removing them, particularly M who climbs like a monkey, from situations where they could fall and damage themselves. I can't help visualising them harming themselves, which I never did before, and I don't seem to be able to turn off the caution just yet. Surprise surprise....we've had a fair bit of falling, bumps, bangs etc that probably wouldn't be happening if I didn't have this edge-y feeling going on.

I suppose it's natural to tune in to this worry, I just hope I can tune out soon too as I'm finding it pretty stressful feeling our world is unsafe and a threat to my little ones.

The Age of Stupid.....gory story

2009-05-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

Well, after writing about getting wiser I have done something pretty silly.

My pictures are a bit graphic so look away now if you're squeamish!!

I was trying on my posh frocks last night whilst the kids were getting ready for bed. I need an outfit for a family wedding at the end of June, and was feeling pleased that a dress I already own looked and felt really good. So, I was merrily whistling away and putting my pink high heels back in the top of the wardrobe away from the small people when disaster struck.

I was VERY, VERY foolishly standing on one of these. Hmmmm. See how sharp the feet look??!

Next thing I know the stool tips up, I fall and have an almighty pain in my right shin. I dive to the bed and howl and scream into the mattress. The bone throbbing, I think "that was a big bump, I'll get a cold flannel on it". Hop to the bathroom and flop onto the floor, lift pyjama bottoms to put cold compress on and nearly faint. There is a hole in my leg.

I wasn't expecting that. Slight panic ensues. I feebly protest "it'll be fine". Joel says "nope. It's a hospital job. I think I can see bone". Great. I cry. A lot. I am VERY cross at myself. We still need to get the kids to bed. Anticipate hospital taking a few hours at the very least. My first night out since M was born!

A&E receptionist is lovely, I give my details calmly until she asks what I've done. Mentioning bone makes the tears roll down my cheeks in a most un-British fashion. No stiff upper lip here. Am quickly ushered through to minor injuries where a nice nurse rummages round in my leg and assures me, very matter-of-fact, that it will be fine. At this point I dread being sent back to the waiting room. Thankfully she puts me on a bed to sort it out immediately. She numbs what little flesh is there and ferrets around again, to clean it out and see how deep it is.

I feel huge surges of guilt for even thinking "OWWW". I've been reading Atonement and can't help my head being full WW2 and all the poor damaged people having shrapnel pulled out without a scrap of local anaesthetic (and after the horrors of France/Dunkirk). I told the nurse all this, she softened and said "it's a bit more than a razor nick though isn't it hon?". She informed me Joel was right and it was indeed right down to the bone. Then she oh so carefully, tenderly stitched me up, with my posh frock hemline in mind. Bless the NHS angels. Thank you so much Sister Julie.

So seven stitches and about an hour later I was home. Unbelieveably quick service from the Manchester Royal Infirmary!! And a jolly good job since poor M woke 10 minutes after I left and was still screaming when I returned ;(

I'm not as sore as I thought I might be, at the moment. I anticipate it getting worse before better, it's still only just over 24 hrs since it happened. I know taking copious quantities of arnica has helped so far. Though I am stiff and swollen, and it's been aching a fair bit, I can walk and take the stairs slowly. I'm grateful: my tendons are intact, I didn't break a bone.

After much berating I've mostly forgiven myself, but what a stupid thing to do!....

And, bizarrely, this happened to me 2 days after I was with my friend L when she fell and needed 1o stitches in her knee....get well soon L XXX

EC and the Way

2009-05-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

I realised yesterday that I've been in a happy little bubble for a long time. Comfortably cossetted amongst my trusty bunch of on-the-crispier-side-of-crunchy Mama friends, I've quite forgotten just how far from the mainstream practising EC is....

Myself and the said group of lovely friends are in the process of setting up a Natural Parenting Group, with support from a local SureStart centre. Whilst trying to explain our (as yet slightly hazy) philosophy I mentioned ECing, and received a look of total bewilderment. The worker I was chatting to was very interested, if slightly stunned, and asked a lot of questions. I realised that I've not really shared space with anyone in the real world of "normal" parenting for a while. I haven't deliberately withdrawn my family, I guess we're just really lucky to have a fair few like-minded mates. Anyway, it hadn't occurred to me that someone would never have heard of EC. Oh dear!...I really have had my head in the clouds....or perhaps the sand?!

Anyway, it was nice to be reminded of the real significance of my slightly leftfield parenting practices. Without wishing to sound superior, I think following an attached way of parenting, placing real value on peacefulness and respecting children is pretty pioneering compared to what I perceive as our cultural norm.

I also realised I've changed. Since I was first pregnant with M I've found it difficult to be overly concerned with the politics of parenting. Anything other than nesting and dealing with my brood has been too much for my poor sleep deprived brain to consider. But now it feels quite nice to have had my "passions" lie dormant. My opinions are more or less unchanged, but I've become softer, less ardent. I have no desire whatsoever to try and convert people to my way of thinking (did I ever?) or to justify my position.

Lao Tzu said:

"And so the wise

shape without cutting,

square without sawing,

true without forcing.

They are the light that does not shine." *

Dare I say it?

Perhaps, and it's a VERY BIG perhaps, I've become a wee bit wiser, in this respect at least: I'm not cutting, sawing or forcing. Now what, if anything, do I do instead?...

This was my roundabout way of saying that EC has shown me the Way. Again ;)

*Taken from Verse 58 - Living with Change

Lao Tzu- Tao Te Ching

A Book about the Way and the Power of the Way

A New English Version by Ursula K. Le Guin

Letting go

2009-05-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

I thought I should say that things are *much* improved here, for now. M is using the potty- hurray! And my floors are as clean as they ever are, probably more so after the recent activities.

In my last post I mentioned really letting go of my attachment to M pooing somewhere "appropriate" and in a place of my choosing. Instead I decided to really go with his flow, and desire to poo all over the floor. I completely, willingly gave up trying to control the situation. It was a hard thing for me to do: my conditioned response to poo on the floor was "EEEEEW". I suspect most people would be the same.

Well, just giving M this space and freedom seems to have been what was needed to move that little phase on. Phew! I really wasn't that bothered about it happening once I decided I would stop fighting it, but I am glad it doesn't seem to be becoming a regular thing. I really had hoped it wouldn't be a long term solution.

I have also realised that, like his Dad, M really values his privacy and much prefers to go at home without company! E wasn't like this until very recently. Maybe it's a male/female toilet thing, which is a BIG debate topic in our house! I'm not going to get started on that one just now though....

Upset

2009-04-25T12:44:00.001-07:00

If EC is all about honouring communication, I am definitely still practising EC, despite having missed catching almost every single poo and wee for over a week now!

Poor M has had some vile tummy upset. The urge to poo kept taking him by surprise- a little and often, messy affair. I quickly decided not to let him roam around with a nakey bum! I feel like I've washed more nappies in the last week than I have in the whole time since Esme was born! Good job we've had lovely weather and they've all been drying on the line. How on earth do people do full time nappying? I feel so awful scraping poo off his bum, and cleaning out the dirty nappies is not much fun either.

Anyway, the tummy upset seems to have subsided but he flat refuses to go anywhere near his bucket now. I had been hoping we could stop using it and get him on a pot/the loo/something else: "So!" think I, optimistically, "this is an opportunity for change".

However, M's choice of "something else" turns out to be the floor. He is quite clear that he doesn't want to be held, put on a potty, helped, moved or interfered with at all. Hence he has been wetting and pooing in his pants a lot, which he isn't that happy about either. If I take off his pants, he will happily "go" anywhere and everywhere, though he is smart enough to move away from it most of the time. In the Continuum Concept Jean Leidloff says the Yequana simply move the children out of the hut if they "sully" (what a great word!) the floor. Outside is not the most practical place to teach M to go, so I've just been showing him the potty and telling him that's "the place".

Even though he's not wanting to sit for me, he does still grunt and shout for his nappy to come off when he needs to go, a small mercy. But I can't just let him crap on the floor everywhere. Or can I?....Tonight I trialled containing him in the bathroom, just letting him go where he wanted and picking up the poo and cleaning and disinfecting as he moved about....UGH. He seemed happy with this arrangement, but I am very far from pleased! Definitely not a solution for me.

Ah, I really, really, really, really, really hope this passes soon. Bring on the next phase, PLEASE!

I suppose this is all my fault for saying I had nothing to write about.......

Funny how they test us, i was just thinking how it might actually be getting a bit easier at long last.

Energy

2009-04-16T14:07:00.001-07:00

My enthusiasm for writing about EC is waning slightly. I feel the need to digress and muse on other things. Do I start another blog or just diversify my topics here? I don't know....

Back to (practical!) EC: it's going OK. not much more to say really. Actually, I think our communication is not quite tip top mostly due to my tiredness and general preoccupation with other things, mainly keeping up with Esme and my thoughts. On a day to day level I don't really register how tired I am, but the broken nights are definitely taking their toll. I find myself slipping into habitual grumpiness and it's been a real struggle to stay present lately. I can't help feeling a good night's sleep would help ;)

Esme is really growing up fast, it's scaring me. It's much more interesting than EC for me at the moment too. She lives in role play land and gets *very* upset if I get her persona mixed up, even more so if other people won't use her "real" (pretend) name. She has a talent for imitation, and we have a variety of accents being used daily, current favourites are her take on American and broad Lancashire. It makes her hollering slightly more amusing when it's delivered with Oscar-winning panache!

Lots going on in my head, I really haven't got the mental capacity to cope with all the thoughts zipping around right now! The best idea I've had is to resurrect my yoga practice and find some peace and stillness up there. I just have to do it now! I must have some energy stored somewhere to help me kick the lethargy.

Well that's a bit random but never mind, that's the way life is sometimes innit?

Good vibes

2009-03-29T14:18:00.001-07:00

I just looked over my last few posts and really felt my lack of positive energy for the EC process coming through.

Charndra commented on my last post, highlighting the need to enjoy the journey rather than looking to the destination, which I honestly think I do in my everyday life as an ECer. A miss is really not a big deal for me. However, looking back, my musings here don't come across that way. There's much talk of the practicalities and results of EC, and little of the joys!

The very best thing about EC, without doubt, is knowing what your baby is saying to you. Having enough closeness and intimate knowledge of your child's desires to keep everything on an even keel, sort of pre-emptive parenting, is magical ;) Nothing to do with pants, potties, pee and poo really. Even when your child is on a potty strike, like M now, knowing that they are needing to go but definitely resisting for some reason or another, is important. So, never mind talking about "good EC" in terms of what I'm catching....I'll try and focus on how EC, or the knowledge and communication skills we have developed through EC, is shaping my little boy and our relationship now.

M is really blossoming and reaching out to interact with everyone. Of course, he has been communicating with me since he was born. He's always been pretty social, but this last week or so has seen a definite surge of his energy going into new ways of making himself heard both with me and others. It's interesting that he's been poorly with a nasty virus of some sort and a high fever, and after the illness he's taken a huge leap forward.

Some general examples. He suddenly seems to be signing a lot more, mainly to chat- remarking on the sky, birds, cats, diggers, being home. Verbally he is saying down, dog (doooh), grape, din din din (combined with gestures towards food he would like!) and loads more. He joined in with a chorus of "down down down" at the right place when I played the Grand Old duke of York on the piano last week, recognising the tune immediately. He is following instructions and responding to complex questions: I asked him what he thought would happen next as he was watching the washing machine fill and he waved his arm round and round in a circle with a big grin on his face. Sweet. He sometimes asks for the potty with his sign, and shakes or nods if you ask him if he wants to go. I usually know the answer, and he's not always truthful when I ask him! He sakes his head vigorously to show his lack of enthusiasm for things.

I admit most of this interaction would be happening whether or not I'd ECd him. But I do honestly believe that his desire to communicate, and his confidence stem from having been listened to and respected from day one in every sense, including needing to go potty.

jinxed

2009-03-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

Well I was hoping to write about all things EC here, though I haven't been writing much at all lately. My most recent 3 week hiatus was because I haven't been wanting to post about good news...whenever I talk about or make any acknowledgement of "good" ECing it seems to go all wrong! I jinx it...

Anyway, things have been going really well, I have washed virtually no nappies in the last couple of weeks and I was feeling pretty good about things. Not smug, I hasten to add! I was almost considering getting the little pants on M again soon.

BUT now, even without talking about it, we've been missing loads of wees. Alas, I don't think he has enough trousers to risk the small undies just yet. I need his trousers to survive a while day or more, if possible when being worn by my messy eater, crawler, dirt explorer. Pee is just too risky when outer pants are such a precious commodity!

I was never expecting linear progress so it's not suprising to find we seem to be going backwards again now ;) hey ho....

I am also wondering how on earth I am ever going to get M to pee on a toilet. I think I will hold the bucket over the loo and see if that eases the transition at all. Outside is still the favourite place. Thank goodness spring is here and it's less chilly on his bum!

Cake in the oven smelling mighty fine, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Adieu.

One, two....

2009-02-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

...crap on my shoe. Oh what I'd do for a downstairs loo.

M is a bit constipated, he's been doing teeny weeny poos every time he's been on "the bucket". Most frustrating for him, I feel. It was my own lazy fault it got on my boots. I couldn't be bothered taking the bucket upstairs today and I left it on the stairs to take up later. It got knocked, by E I think. I noticed but thought everything was contained and rinsed it out. Later this evening I noticed a wee pebble of poo sitting at the bottom of the stairs. I laughed, no big deal. Then I moved my boots and got a finger full of turd ;( That'll teach me.

Apparently 30 minutes of stair climbing burns 150 calories. I was hoping I could justify scoffing some chocolate, but maybe not.

Closeness

2009-02-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

It usually happens that when I acknowledge something, or talk about it (NOT bragging!...) it cocks up what we've had going on, so I feel slightly reluctant to comment too much on our EC journey at the moment! Suffice to say, all is well ;)

I managed to pee M in the middle of IKEA today. It was less attention grabbing than breastfeeding him! He has a bit of a toilet aversion and prefers to go outside or on his little bowl. I had tried to get him to go on the loo but he wouldn't. I knew he needed a wee in the pot plant bit so I sat on the little kids stool by the play bit and he had a BIG wee. We seem quite attuned at the moment, it's lovely.

I really miss having this sense of closeness with my big-little girl, and wonder if and when I'll ever rediscover this with her. It's there in fleeting moments: when we cook and bake, snuggling, reading, painting, talking and holding hands when we walk, but far less predictable or constant than with M. I suppose that's what letting kids grow up is about to a certain extent, growing apart. Since M's been here it's been much harder to connect with her, and I sense I need to give more to her, make more effort to stay in tune. As M's first birthday approaches I feel more than a twinge of sadness when I think of it being whole year since I was totally hers. My sweet and lovely baby girl.

At last!...

2009-02-12T12:44:00.001-08:00

....I update the blog! I have been distracted and engrossed in life the last few weeks but feel slightly disappointed in myself each time I steal a look at Sue Ann's page and the bit under my heading that says " 3 weeks ago..."

Not much to tell on the EC front. I have abandoned the little knickers for now as I was getting through too many pairs of trousers! Missing wees combined with a growth spurt on M's part meant I was running out of clothes for him. I've discovered that I can get away with not using a wrap on the cloth nappy which is a sort of cheat's way to do training pants I suppose. If I miss a big wee his pants do get wet so the incentive to get him pottied is definitely there, almost as powerful as with the knickers. But at the same time a little wee is not going to soak him, or me so I have a little more leeway. And it's nice to be able to check the state of the nappy without it being all sweaty and hard to get at.

Strike wise we seem to be over the poo thing, thank goodness. Still the occasional moment where I've been a little slow (read lazy and/or determined to read the paper without distraction on a Saturday morning...where's your Dad?) but more or less 100% clean. Phew. He is still resistant to actually sitting on the potty so I am still holding him on his bucket or over a potty. Actually, he is pretty resistant to that unless he has some fascinating and novel distraction, hence our phone stopped working due to dribble this week! ;) Not sure when or how I am going to get him on a "proper" receptacle but we'll figure that out later. A wee (and sometimes a poo) in the great outdoors is always a dead cert, no distraction required!

M is a most communicative little boy, bless him. He's been chatting away for a few months now..banana, Dada, Nana (for Mama) Eddy (for Esme), caaaat but he actually said "weeeeeeeeee" the other day which was brilliant. At 11 months he finally cut his first tooth, the upper left front one, on Monday. And he says, "eeeeeeeeeth. owwwwwwwww." points into my mouth and signs pain!

So what's been distracting me? Reading novels, making onion marmalade, baking muffins for J to take to work and share, and I admit it, watching the BBC iPlayer! Hey, it's winter and I've watched no telly for 4 years so a little light entertainment won't do me too much harm. I've been reflecting on what I've been watching with friends online and at LLL today so perhaps I will share some thoughts on what I've seen here soon. But not now or I won't have anything to say for another 3 weeks ;)

peace and love to everyone XXX

Caught off guard

2009-01-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

I take back everything I said about being more relaxed with the potty strike situation. Despite my best efforts to be cool like the Fonz, it's been tough the last week or so.

For some reason, after months of being clean, M suddenly decided he didn't want to poo on the pot ;( I knew he needed to go, offered him the pot and he arched his back off it, and made it quite clear he wanted to be on the floor. When I put him down (nappy free) he immediately, and unceremoniously dumped on the floor! He was also steathily depositing massive poos into his nappy, and seeming quite pleased about it. Oh nooooooo.

I cannot deny that I've felt uncomfortable with this situation. I'm usually pretty pleased to greet a poo on the pot but it's so different when it's in the pants. Anyway, after 4 consecutive days of messy bums it seems to have improved. BUT it was a stark reminder to stay relaxed and not be results focused.

I am still pondering why he might have done this. He's keeping me on my toes.
Anyway, he is so bloomin cute and funny, I can forgive him......

You can call me.....

2009-01-14T06:14:00.000-08:00

Mrs Tiggywinkle!
We were doing really well with the little pants all weekend, then something changed when we hit Monday morning....

We were just about to head out to the park when I thought I'd stick a load of washing on to try and get on top of the housework. Whilst unloading the clean stuff, one of the paddle things in the drum came out with a pair of jeans ;/ The raw metal inside looked like it would shred any type of fabric the instant it came into contact with it. My heart sank as I gazed to the Everest like peaks of dirty laundry on my kitchen floor. Nooooooooooooo. It's just over 3 weeks since the warranty expired! PANTS!! (you got it Annie!)

So, I must have been carrying this anxious washerwoman vibe round with me that morning. I had, perhaps foolishly under the circumstances, decided to put M in his undies. Mistake. I managed to miss 3 wees: 3 extra pairs of wet pants *and* trousers to wash. And after M being dry all weekend ;( Poor wee man had no clean trousers at all, I had to go and buy some more!

I think it must've been a combination of my anxiety rubbing off on him, and the fact he was being back carried. As I mentioned before, I seem to be illiterate when it comes to reading his signals when he's on my back. Funny- he tells me, with a jiggle and a sign, when he's on my hip.

And my dirty laundry. Well add to this morning of non-ECing the fact the Esme fell into an enormous puddle of mud at the park, and caked every item of clothing in dirt so I had to drive her home naked from the waist down.....And then into another puddle again outside our house later in the day..... It was ridiculous!

Miraculously I have managed to wash it all. The washer manufacturer sent me the parts free of charge, a kind friend did a load for me and the laundrette was a convenient option of a dreary Tuesday when we had nowhere else to go! Machine is now fixed and merrily spinning the last load as I type..... Thank you for smiling on me universe!

BRAVE NEW PANTS!

2009-01-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

Hooray! I finally found some itsy-bitsy tiny little briefs for Magnus!

Most of the shops seem to start their knickers for age 2-3, when most kids seems to start going on the potty. 18 months were the smallest I found so far and they were still too big for his wee bum. But today, I went to Boots to exchange some electronic tat M was given for Christmas and managed to buy 15 pairs of 12m pants for the bargain price of £3! (3 packs of 5 at £1 a pack, down from £4 each.) Result!

So, the first thing I did when we got back was put them on, he seemed pretty pleased as far as I could tell, that is, he had a bit of a grope and then carried on as normal ;) Then we went out gathering food supplies. I sat him on a prefold/nappy wrap in the car seat, just in case. He was wriggling in the shop so when we got outside I just whipped his pants down and he peed in the car park, even though it was freezing! And then I just pulled them up again. It was so much easier than messing about getting a nappy on and off. Ah it sounds so daft writing it down but really, it was revolutionary after the struggle of doing a wee out and about up to now. He was dry til bedtime.

I don't know if this may be the start of no nappies for us. Some ECers are *really* brave (in my book) and go nappy free from the start, but for me I couldn't take the risk of getting covered in wee all over my clothes, and wrap as I was wearing him constantly. Actually I found the signals harder to read when he was up on my back.

In retrospect though, I wonder if a lot of the misses we have/had are because of the delay I might make helping Mags to go- it is a pain having to get a cloth nappy (we use Mother Ease) off/on again, especially when you're peeing a tiny baby who goes more often. If we are ever crazy enough to have any more babies maybe I will be brave from the start..... if not I may never know....

It's just a phase....

2009-01-07T13:10:00.001-08:00

It's funny how little phases of behaviour seem so important when you're stuck in the middle of them, and then before you know it you've forgotten they ever even happened.

Like potty "strikes". I'd completely forgotten about the way Esme used to decide she absolutely *was not* going to go on the pot, despite both her and I knowing she really needed to. She'd communicate this by arching her back, crying, sometimes just getting off and bum shuffling away. I always found it a bit frustrating: it was hard to just go with it, when it meant there'd be a wet nappy or puddle on the floor seconds later. The "proper" behaviour would always come back, whether or not I got stressed and uptight about it.

Magnus has served a reminder of the potty strike for me throughout the tail end of 2008, though so far this year he is much less resistant to going (thank goodness!). Happy New Year by the way....

His strikes, pauses, whatever you want to call them, have differed from Esme's. Actually many other aspects of mothering him are very different to how I was with her, but I'll ramble if I try and go into that now... I think I've been a lot more laid back about losing the pottying groove, and also more creative. I discovered his refusal to wee on the travel "bowl" when out and about was indicative of his desire to go like a big boy on the real toilet ;) I've also found that he really likes having a distraction, wherever we are. For Esme this was always a book but Mags prefers something to hold and mess with when I'm holding him on the bucket. Perhaps this is a precursor to holding and messing with his willy when he's a bigger boy!

It's been less irritating for me to witness times when he's flat refused as I knew for certain it was definitely just a phase. And, our groove certainly seems to be back now. The wee man is going when he needs to, on the bowl, the loo, the bucket, in a bush.....wherever. He's also signing for his potty quite clearly and consistently, which is very helpful, and cute. Last night he was dry all night despite me being a bit lazy not taking him to the pot, which really surprised me.

I'm glad this phase of resistance seems to be passing. It's really been OK to go through it, but it's much nicer working together.

2008-12-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

'kay so I don't have much to say right now but I have to put something here to move that Caganer's bottom down my page!! I tried to make the picture smaller to no avail. That'll teach me for being juvenile. I feel like I've been caught passing a note by the teacher

Magnus Caganers Explorer

2008-12-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking about Christmas and had a little chuckle when I remembered about the "Christmas crapper". We lived in Barcelona for a while (waaaaaay before the kids) and were much amused by this little figure the Catalans take great pleasure in hiding in their Nativity scenes. So I thought I'd put one here, though it's not very well hidden! It's a bit infantile I know, but it still makes me giggle ;)

Anyway, I found it doubly funny when I searched to remind myself of the proper name: Caganer . I have no idea why but Esme has been using this for Magnus for the last few months! Magnus Caganers Explorer. Bonkers.....

Missing

2008-11-30T13:44:00.001-08:00

Gosh look how long it is since I've written here!....how time flies. I've been missing writing here but I've been struggling to channel my energy in lots of different directions!

Been finding Motherhood gruelling of late, I never seem to have "enough" to meet everyone's needs. I am struggling to find the balance at the moment, I don't want anyone to miss out but sooner or later we are going to hit a real problem when I conk out from exhaustion....

Anyhow, all's more or less well in our world. EC has been going well. Magnus has learned to hang on for quite a while for a wee, and is being very communicative about it, in different ways than before. If he's on my hip he'll squeeze me with his legs and jiggle around. He also makes it quite clear if he doesn't want to go and will arch up his back. You have to be careful though, as this also means a poo is on it's way when he's needing to go. And BOY does my little guy produce some whopping poos. Not that suprising since he ate breakfast solidly for about an hour this morning!

My theory that all babies hang on is growing firmer in my mind. I've seen friends babies who do a poo in each nappy, or small poos frequently throughout the day. I'm sure if they had chance to "get it all out" in one go they would do. Having seen some of the offerings Mags has done lately I can understand why a child wouldn't want to "let go" of all that into their pants. Poor wee things.

That said, I have missed more poos in the last month or so than I ever did with Esme. I think this is largely due to lack of attention: in the mornings I have been responding to Esme's urgent demands for pancakes (spoilt little brat she is at the moment...) and have missed Magnus' signals. Each time I feel a sense of dismay. I also missed a poo due to a soapbox rant one morning: I was so enraged by stories of inept breastfeeding support in the LLL magazine that I wasn't tuned in. Anyway, I have still only ever missed the very first bits of his enormous turds, and I can still count these occasions on one hand. All in all at nearly 9 months old Magnus is a lucky, clean bottomed boy. (He's going to hate me for this isn't he?!!)

Night times have been pretty good too- sleep periods lengthened considerably when I put M down on a sheepskin. I think he had been feeling chilly and waking up more. Now I know he will pee each time he wakes. We have had quite a few dry nights, which is nice. This is quite tiring though and on some (very cold) nights I have been too lazy to sit up and pee him. This backfires as he doesn't sleep well with a cold soggy cloth nappy on him so really I should just haul myself up each time. Not that easy when it's snug under the duvet and it's the 3rd time he's woken up that night....ah for an unbroken night's sleep.....

Apart from missing poos and sleep, I am missing my friends a lot ;(

We've all been blighted by illness for a while so hoping for a healthy month ahead so we can do lots of cosy crafting and seasonal bonding together.

Bye bye sweet baby poo

2008-09-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks have seen big changes in Magnus. He's now blowing raspberries, gurgling away, sighing, yelping, sitting up, rolling, sort of getting onto all fours, commando crawling and eating! Pretty much all these things seemed to start happening at the last full moon. Bonkers.

He was sucking away on the odd bit of pepper, cucumber, steamed carrot etc... but not really getting anything, for a few weeks. Then on said full moon day he demolished an entire banana. With very little mess ;/ Since then he has enthusiastically put away just about everything I've offered him, the one exception being fig! The sad realisation that my baby is getting big fast is dawning ever more rapidly on me. Baby led weaning is great fun though, how come I never knew about this with Esme?!

The big downside to eating "proper" food is that I have to say goodbye to the yummy buttermilky-popcorny breastmilky poos he's been doing and hello to.....well, you can imagine. That's probably waaaaaaaaaay too much information for most people but I'm not at all squeamish, else I wouldn't be so happy to chat about EC'n. Thankfully we are still 100% clean and pretty much dry too so the change of input doesn't seem to have affected output!

I found the potty-bowl I thought I left in the pub. It was in the car, full of stale urine. Which is preferable to in the Peel Arms full of stale urine, in my opinion ;) I hope Granny didn't get around to asking them for it! I've just ordered a portable dog bowl to use as a potty so we'll see how that works when it arrives from Australia.

I've also taken the plunge and ordered a nice babywearing fleece. Contrary to DH's opinion a warm jacket is an essential item for the UK in Autumn/Winter and not a frivolous purchase at all ;) The merino wool elephant hood I plan to buy for Magnus could possibly come into that category.... However, I've saved a packet this week by turning a £5 IKEA tablecloth into a new wrap! So I can cross the Didymos off the most wanted list for now, and, more importantly wash my beautiful Lana wrap (that has become a stinky rag of late)

I've lost the pot.....

2008-09-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've been having a very successful time with ECing Magnus lately, including quite a few 100% dry and clean days. I don't remember having this with Esme 'til she was much older, he is only just six months old.

I've been feeling pretty upbeat about pottying and my confidence must be rubbing off on him: I've been doing it out and about (on Levenshulme High St waiting for the bus, in public loos, Whitworth Art Gallery!...) and even managed to keep him totally dry throughout the day on Saturday at a family wedding where he was passed about the relatives like a happy little parcel ;) Often when he's not close I lose my sense of when he wants to go but he was holding on for ages and telling me very clearly.

I''ve found my ideal travel potty, in the form of a small IKEA mixing bowl with a lid, part of a set I already owned and hadn't thought to adopt for this purpose. Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced it. After re-tracing my steps, the last place I can think of using it is the Peel Arms in Padfield, where we had pub grub on Sunday before we went to Padfield Plum Festival. Magnus weed in it, impressing his family and raising the eyebrows of a couple of baffled looking locals. I put the bowl (lid on) under the "banquette" thing.... and forgot it. ]

If the pub people have found it they must wonder what sort of strange "not-local" folks have been visiting for their festival. Who on earth would leave a small bowl of urine under a bench in the pub?!! Granny wonders if she should try to retrieve it but how would one go about asking for this back?

As I mention confidence above, I would like to say how easy it is for this to be sapped by others' negative vibes. With EC (and most other things parenting related) I am usually pretty thick skinned. But the same local lady who sneered at Magnus weeing in his bowl in the Peel Arms was staring at me as I santa-tossed him over my shoulder to wrap him on: I had a real wobble, nearly dropped him and couldn't do it. A total physical/mental block on babywearing. Perhaps she was a witch! Or maybe I just felt her thoughts: "how dangerous....." ;(
Must work on strengthening my protective bubble when up in the windy wilds of the peaks!

There are no shortcuts in Bushcraft

2008-09-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

The wise words of Ray Mears also ring true with nighttime EC, as I found to my dismay the other night.

Night time is perhaps the easiest and most difficult time to EC for me. A (concentrated!) pee is pretty much guaranteed after hours of sleep. If Magnus does wet his nappy he's difficult to settle properly and he stirs more, so it makes sense to catch it instead of doing a nappy change. I then get him back a deep sleep as soon as possible. To facilitate this I have a bucket by the bed and I just sit up and sit Magnus on it (sometimes whilst nursing to keep him nice and quiet) in the dark. It's a faff getting the nappy back on but we manage ok.

The other night I caught a particularly large wee at the time of our dream feed when I go up to bed. Then in the early hours at his next awakening, in a sleepy haze, i decided to put the bucket on the bed for pee time instead of sitting up. How lazy am I??! Well it backfired, oh yes, the enormous, strong wee from earlier drenched my bed, blanket, pillow, the lot ;(

My daughter woke suddenly proclaiming "IT'S WET!". Bed stripped, 2 more potty trips for us girls and a very full load of washing for the morning.

Ah well. I won't try to cut that corner again!

For Liz

2008-08-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

I am having a blast with wordle here ;)
This one's for you Liz M....

www.wordle.net

2008-08-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

Regularity and receptacles.....

2008-08-25T12:56:00.001-07:00

Producing a poo seems to have become an every other day event for Magnus. It's slightly alarming how he doesn't need to go one day, and then every time he's on his bucket the next! Still, it's only a phase...every time they get into a groove it changes!

I am struggling to find a good (travel) receptacle this time. At home he seems to like his bucket but I can't carry that about really, apart from to LLL where nobody cares how indiscreet we are!For Esme the trifle bowl was perfect, but I can't sit him into a bowl enough for his wee to go down, it comes over the top. I bought a travel potty on ebay, but when it arrived it is MASSIVE....way, way too big for his tiny bottom. It would take up my entire bag. I am going to have to keep on letting him pee into a cloth and taking him to the loo whenever I can for now. Thankfully his pees are becoming less frequent as he's older now (nearly 6 months) so weeing is causing fewer interruptions to the flow of our activities. The downside of this being they are stronger so if I get peed on it is a bit more whiffy! Ah the joy....

No stares at the swimming pool

2008-08-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

Today we went to Victoria Baths for the monthly open day. I'd never been before, it was stunning. I can't believe the City Council would tear the place down given half a chance, scandalous.
Esme had a great time running about and looking around. She was remarkably interested in the architecture and she also got to do some lino cut printmaking which she was very pleased with. I enjoyed that too ;)

Magnus slept on my back whilst we were there, when he woke up I took him for a wee in the loos. I'm always a bit wary about being disturbed but a nice old Asian lady who saw me today said "That's brilliant you are potty training him so soon! I wish my daughter-in-law would do that with my grandson, he's 2 and she won't even sit him on a potty, it's terrible...."
How nice to be suprised by positivity!

Some thoughts on EC , at last!

2008-08-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

'kay, so I really should start blogging about EC ;)

I don't really know what to write! It's just so much part of what we do with Magnus, that I almost forget it is a freakishly un-normal thing to even think of for most people. I've stopped mentioning it and just get on with it most of the time....bring on the stares! The only time I feel inclined to say anything is if someone suggests he has a pooey nappy, in which case I usually mention that he doesn't do that, and start (or leave) a conversation from there. Most people I have spoken to have been really positive, and amazed that we do this.

I am amazed more people haven't realised this is possible. If we can house train dogs and cats, why would our babies be any different?

When you actually tune in to what babies are saying when they start fussing and crying, it's really quite obvious that they are often telling us they need to go. EC is definitely a case of positive reinforcement, if we respond to signals they get stronger. If they're ignored, baby is eventually going to stop saying something as nobody helps them stay clean, no matter how hard they try to make their need known. My friend, a novice ECer with a 5 month baby, told me that her baby was delighted when she took off the nappy and made a grunty cue noise for a poo: her little face spun round and lit up as she relieved herself! Fabulous!

I really feel quite sorry that the majority of babies spend their time in nasty disposable nappies that (don't) rot in landfills or in cold, soggy cloth nappies. I recently visited a day nursery for the first time- Esme had asked to look around there as a few of her friends go and the peer pressure thing is kicking in. I was taken to the baby room where I was told that nappies were "changed at 10am, 12noon and 2pm, more if they were dirty, of course". I couldn't stop myself from almost screaming "He's not coming!". It made me shudder to think of leaving Magnus at all, but UGH to have him sitting in his wee more or less all day ;(

I don't think this is our biologically evolved expectation. It's "convenient" to ignore elimination, and big business would have us think it's impossible to do anything else. I'm really proud that we are proving to our society that there is another way, even if this must seem completely obvious to millions of people around the world.

It's a mad world

2008-07-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've been asking myself how people can seem to care so little about things these days.

Lots of little things are really bothering me. Litter, our neighbour's overflowing household dustbins (left in the street for days after the binmen have been), more litter, broken glass, dog poo, people scowling at each other instead of smiling. I saw a bloke cycling along and just hop off his bike, suddenly dropping it (hard) to the floor to go into a shop. Just left it there right in the middle of the pavement for everyone to walk around. Didn't care about his bike or the folks tripping over it one jot....if anyone had said something to him he would probably have seen his arse.

And here I am, religiously picking up the dog turd, being polite to everyone, taking home other people's litter as well as our own. Slavishly rinsing out our plastic bottles and tetrapaks, creating a smelly stinking mess in our alley so I can duly recycle this stuff. Taking my cardboard to the tip, encouraging the fruit flies to well and truly colonise our house by having a compost heap within cat-swinging distance of the back door. Why?

I just couldn't not do/be all these things, as thankless as putting in the extra effort is. It's hard to keep "being the change" I want to see in the world (Thanks Ghandi for giving us this one to cling to).

As I spend more and more time with other, fabulous, like-minded people, I'm becoming more and more staunch about these things I've always had strong feelings about. Vegetarianism..heck I'm seriously considering going vegan. Breastfeeding: always knew it was the best way but I seem to be becoming some sort of evangelist. The environment: don't get me started. This is good, I think. But creating some difficult conflicts in my life and how I manage to live in such an imperfect world. Perhaps those of us who can actually see the sh*t all just have to grit our teeth keep on being that change....?

Garden of Delights

2008-07-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhhhh summer! At last...
I have just spent more or less all day gardening and it was lovely. I planted out most of my my plants in anticipation of judging for a competition I've entered...eek! The garden is looking really nice and it was such a buzz getting my hands dirty, digging and sweating in the blazing sun.

My two lovelies have been angels all day. Esme painted and played, helped me to garden, picked up worms and snails and did some swinging. Magnus had a lovely long sleep and has been chilled out looking at the sky and trees in between feeds and sitting on his potty "bucket"! He rolled onto his tummy for the first time tonight. Bless, he had a face and two tiny fists full of grass. Such a sweet pair.

My little garden, and my heart, has been so full of delight today.

Looking forward to using pedal power

2008-07-19T04:10:00.000-07:00

Well I've still not written much about EC...but I would much rather get excited about our new bike trailer tonight! We got it brand new on ebay for £58! Just waiting for a special seat from Germany so that Magnus can ride in it safely, I still haven't test ridden with it yet. It's just sitting in our living room asking to be taken out. We overlooked the fact that we have nowhere to store it, and we're going to have to take off the wheels to even get it out of the house! But never mind, what's a bit more clutter eh? I am itching to get pedalling with the kids, and to shed a few pounds just by getting from A to B!

Suffolk

2008-07-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

We've just returned from a lovely short break with GG (Great Granny- on his side) in Suffolk. What an amazing lady, nearly 90 and more with it than most! We managed to get to the seaside and built a great sandcastle on Southwold beach thanks to the presence of the folding army trench-digging spade. I mocked Joel for taking it, but I ate my hat when I saw his performance digging the moat and a channel to the sea. No plastic tat could have made such light work! Joel swam in the North Sea between showers. The kids had a nice time but Esme was definitely affected by being away- she's a creature of habit- so as nice as the break was we were all looking forward to our own beds.

The drive back was notable for the constant heavy rain and the distinct lack of calm in our wee car. After a while of hoping our two exhausted screaming children would calm themselves down, we pulled over into a tiny layby somewhere in the middle of the Lincolnshire Fens (surely the most depressing landscape in the UK?). Esme had a poo on the roadside in the torrential rain. Magnus pee-ed from the car door onto the verge but was still a lot less than happy despite a lengthy feed to try and calm him and get him off to sleep. The vacuum from the passing lorries shook us around in our steamed up tin box every 30 seconds or so. A seating rearrangement seemed necessary before we could continue as Esme was still moaning and crying about being in the car. Joel was less than happy to relocate to the back seat with Magnus. I would gladly have given up my driving seat but as the sole driver was forced to continue at the wheel on this hellish mission home. Needless to say we were not a very merry band of travellers and a few harsh words were spoken.

When we eventually managed to leave the layby we had to chuckle at ourselves a bit: it turned out we we'd stopped at a place called........ Bicker! I wouldn't recommend a visit!

Anyway, all's well that ends well and after a few nights back things are settling down again. We made an old lady very happy and the hassle was well worth it.

Happy 3rd Birthday Esme!

2008-07-04T14:25:00.001-07:00

Wow, what a lovely day we had today.

3 whole years since Esme came earthside. I can't quite believe it. And this time last year Magnus was a tiny bean inside me. How life changes...

On the spur of the moment, I took Esme to Gymnastics for the first time this morning. She had a brilliant time jumping and climbing and balancing, and cried when it was time to go. I got to go on the trampoline and fulfil a lifelong ambition to jump in a pit full of foam. It was really cool.

Yesterday we decided, last minute, to throw a small party for Esme's birthday. It didn't seem right to do nothing. So, we were blessed with a beautiful sunny day and her little mates came round for tea and cake in our little garden this afternoon. We played pin the trunk on the elephant and pass the parcel. A jolly good time was had by all, thank you so much for coming and celebrating the three years of joy our little angel has brought us... Merci bien.

Uplifted!

2008-06-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the bra doctor my chest is looking its best! My spirits have soared upwards with my boobs this afternoon! What a difference a decent bra makes, I've lost weight and my posture is so much better! Hurrah!

Why pottywoman?

2008-06-25T04:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I was going to blog about EC (Elimination Communication) as it's something I do with my sweet babes that I get asked about a lot. The potty is a pretty ingetral part of this and, to be honest, it was all I could come up with!

But, as I seem to be writing about my mental state too, I suppose the double meaning comes into play. Am I potty? I do sometimes wonder if I am going slightly mad. Not in the "I'm mad me!" way some (most irritating) people try to be funny, but in the "I am definitely losing the plot, what is going on??" way. I wonder if my musings will help me clarify my confused mental state from time to time. I hope so!...

Thank goodness I am feeling lighter than Monday today ;)

one of those days.....

2008-06-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

It may be a little odd to start with no background, explanation of who I am, what I do etc... but I have to start somewhere, and today has been a fairly tough one to get to grips with so I feel more inclined to reflect than to try and make my profile glitter and all that.

I realised tonight that I am struggling along a bit these days because I have never really, truly *had* to do anything before.

Lots of things I've loved doing with my life have fallen by the wayside when I came to a sticky point with them. I am a mediocre pianist, perhaps that's too generous. I speak a little German. Even less Spanish and French. I've done so many jobs I don't care to think about it, most of them quite badly! I really knew how to "do" school, and on the surface I was a high achiever, but i didn't actually learn very much. I've mainly not practised yoga for 10 years.

Whenever I've been challenged I have managed to avoid practice and hard work, and lacked the determination required to push myself to break through the barriers, hence I have no notable accomplishments. Am I lazy? Unmotivated? Afraid of failure?....all of those things and more?

With parenting, I can't just give up. Today for a while I really, really wanted to.

Perhaps that's why I'm having more and more of these days: I'm meeting the sort of obstacles I usually run a mile from. But my children can't be a pair of crochet slippers that only cover one toe.

I really hope that's not too negative for a starting point, it's just where I'm at this evening.